I think that I just need a place to journal some thoughts. I've always felt that if I wrote my goals, and feelings, that I kinda had to hold myself accountable for them. When I first got here, it was kinda through the back door, and while I didn't have any threads early on, I got smacked over the head continually through the email side of things. Still, there were journaling thoughts of my own in them.
I'm not really reeling anymore as much as just feeling these things.
I know that most of the people that ask "Hey, how are you doing? " , aren't ready to hear what I say. And I'm okay with that for the most part.
As you know me, you know that I internalize everything before it comes out, ( I feel as though I am socially, the way you are here. Few words, yet I see everything : )) Through this...and because K isn't there to hear the snippets little by little as they come out ( I do tell her still), what that has looked like, is when I get human contact, I pretty typically can make someone's head spin and they gloss over fairly quickly...Including one therapist so far.
They say that loss is loss, and for the most part, that is true..
The loss of a spouse/partner seems the most devastating. Maybe that is just my perspective at this time. As much as losing a loved one is devastating, at the end of the day, one can come home to a support system, it's when the support system is the one that is lost....all hell breaks loose internally.
I've had some great support the past couple months. Met some new peeps, talked with some older peeps. One of the most surprising and helpful has been Mrs. Beans...
She and I have had some introspective talks about what "this" looks like, from where I am , to where she was and is now. We've talked in the past on many occasions, yet the talks recently have felt different with her. I think she is finally past everything that has haunted her. Which is a GOOD thing....
I actually talked with E last night, it was nice : o
He seems to be doing well for the most part. Some bumps in the road, but hey ....isn't that what life is about ?
Not so much what happens, how we deal with it ?
Life is getting better, still empty, yet getting better. I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, just gotta make sure it isn't a freight train coming through huh ?
I think the last time WE had contact, things are well with you ?
Mama and the kids doing well ?
That is the best part isn't it ?
I continually wish you well Brother...
Strength and honor....and perhaps some dignity and Grace too....
