Cheaters gonna cheat

[DonH]

I will continue to disagree wholly.

I just don't see how we are completely or wholly disagreeing here. Either you're not taking the time to read and fully comprehend what I'm saying or I'm doing a really terrible job of trying to make my point. Perhaps it's some of both. You seem like if your D would want to do what I'm suggesting, you'd fully support her in that. Well how then is that disagreeing? I'm not at all saying you should force her to confront her dad - I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is if you went to her and said something like "it's really not healthy for you or me or anyone to keep things in or not have an honest conversation with a close loved one because we are afraid of how they might react. That's not healthy and I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I think you should really consider talking with your dad and telling him how you feel and I will be right there right along side you helping you to do that when you are ready." I think that is a much healthier option than allowing a child to make a decision like this on their own. That in itself is pressure. She totally trusts you and looks up to you. She will follow your lead. If you lead her to an honest conversation she will follow you. That's what I'm trying to say - you should lead her to healthy communication. She needs guidance and direction from her parent - not to have to figure it out on her own.

I've also said I don't think she needs to at all consider her step mom in this or consider telling her. That's not her place. First and foremost, right from the start, I've said this is a much harder decision because it is a child and therefore getting professional guidance and counseling is needed - which is again something you seem to very much agree with and are doing. So again we agree. I also have never said this needs to happen immediately. It's a process but she needs to be lead in the healthy direction - if not by you then by a councilor well experienced in things like this.

So it appears we agree on more than we disagree. You just are allowing or wanting her to decide how to handle this on her own and I think that's too much for any child to do. That's where we disagree. She may be wide beyond her years but she is still very much a child. Don't force her either but gently guide and mentor her. This could become a very healthy path through the future where she communicates and talks with loved ones about things that are bothering her. That's how healthy relationships are created and maintained - not by keeping quiet, not by keeping it bottled up and just hoping things will get fixed on their own. Her largest fear is her dad's reaction. Well peace and an R at any cost is often not worth that cost. It also enables the bad behavior that your ex seems to have made a lifestyle for himself. At some point someone needs to stand up to him. If he is going to disown his own daughter because she called him on his extramarital affair - is that really a healthy relationship to have in the first place? Again, keeping her dad no matter the cost is very hard but never healthy. If he chooses yet more bad behavior and retaliates on her, that's totally on him.

It sounds like you may end up exactly where I'm suggesting after she meets with the councilor. Time will tell. I can't imagine any councilor worth his or her salt would advocate not talking to their parent about their feelings and concerns through honest communication. What C would do that? Hopefully that clarifies where I'm coming from.