How are things between you and your ex-husband today?
Barely communicating. I had told him that if we divorced we would not be friends. After he moved away to another state, he did make effort to stay in touch somewhat regularly. Even wanted to meet to 'catch up and have drinks' and I declined. I found that it wasn't because he wanted a relationship with me. It appeared that he wanted the D process remained civil, to keep himself looking 'good' to friends and family, and to use anything he could against me. For example, he was supportive and encouraging about my leaving the same employer he left, but then used my situation as a reason to provide less maintenance. Selfishness rules during the crisis, and when you add that to someone that I believe is also a covert narcissist, it makes trusting anything he says or does impossible. So I find it better to go NC as much as possible while still trying to remain a step-parent to the boys. If he reaches out, I usually stall my responses, keep them short and unemotional, and I do not reach out to him unless I need to. So far, especially since the D finalized, he's hardly been reaching out and lives in another state now. So I'm lucky there.
Originally Posted by Doug54
Not sure what the breaking point officially is and/or when it will present itself. Like I told Elbereth above, as of now, I would prefer not to be the one to file for D. Quite possibly would be a gift to W, and I don't know if I want that on my conscience - that I pulled the trigger on breaking up the family.
Many WW spouses try to get the LBS to file...so that they can say "see, he/she wanted the divorce and we both agree it's best". Forcing him to be the one to file was related to that as well as I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to save the marriage. And, I didn't want the ending of our marriage on my conscience just like you mentioned.
On another note, have you found the Hearts Blessing website about MLC? If you think she may be going through one, you might find it helpful. There are also many other articles that relate to affairs as well and might help you to get a better understanding of what happens. It's my understanding that he used to be on this site a long time ago...and she has passed away. But the site was still up the last time I looked. The stages articles really put into context how the MLC can drag out for a long time. The articles did not make me feel better but I did better with having information and understanding.
Living with my XH after the BD was difficult. He would wear a ring and a bracelet that his AP gave to him...which I asked him to remove to avoid rubbing it in my face. But I'm still glad I did it for the kids, for the attempt to save the MR, and for the time I needed to adjust. But I do regret not legally protecting my financials. We did discuss a verbal agreement, which he then proceeded to ignore. So, please do speak to a lawyer and get your financials locked down until you know what will happen in the future. Other than that, keep DB'ing, taking care of yourself, and moving forward. Control what you can control, which is really only yourself.
Hang in there!
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
