Pregnant, Abandoned Twice, Affairs OW (3)

[Valeska19]

I think it's important to try to remember that a D doesn't mean he won't be involved in with the kids. The only way that happens is if HE chooses to not be a dad.

Thank you, Valeska. I just don't want to be the one who splits him up with his children. I know what he did (not once, but twice) previously effectively split him up with his son, but I'm not like that and I'd hate to think this is not best for the children and they'll end up resenting me in the future.

From what I've seen on this board... kids are pretty insightful. It's not your place to protect your H from his choices. And its definitely NOT best for the kids if the parents aren't in a loving relationship but are still married.

Honestly it's different for everyone. You won't be "done" one minute until you are ready to be. But IF you feel you want to start... you control YOUR responses. He spews venom, you walk away. He wants to rant... you walk away. He wants to threaten... you say "Ok". You stop all participation in toxic communication.

Yes, I can only control myself. It is just getting a little too exhausting. Maybe I'm overly tired from dealing with a newborn as well, or maybe this is my limit.

I bet. I would say just focus on the baby. Leave your H to his own thoughts and feelings entirely.

How do you feel he is acting differently? Based on what you post... he's not really doing anything different as a partner... only starting to show up as a father.

I guess the only different thing is that he's back home and started to help me out more with chores, but yes, no real effort to "piecing" or something similar.

The proof is in the pudding as they say.

Also you can't "get him" to do anything. You control YOU... which speaking of... I'm a little confused. Do you want him out of the house and only work on co-parenting? Or do you want to work on the relationship.?

You got me, Valeska. I am not entirely sure. I thought we were working on the relationship while he is living out of the house, but it seems with time he just wants to sweep everything under the rug and pretend all is good without doing the work. This frustrates me and I'm not sure how to go about it.

Focus on you. Your wants. Your needs. Detach. Detach. Detach!