A little more on my situation. My XH said he wanted a divorce and I kicked him out. It was only after he left that I discovered he was having an affair. He actually left to meet her and the EA turned into a PA (if it hadn’t been already). It may have been going on as an EA for over 6 mos or so, and when confronted, he still insisted he wanted a D. He lived away for a while, but would come spend the night when we had the kids…being they are his bio children…seemed appropriate. He’d stay in the basement. After some time, I talked him into staying at the home as we were not divorced and expenses were still being shared, so I felt it was costing too much money. Also, I hoped that having him close and doing my 180s, etc, might help shift him out of it and he’d agree to work on things. That went on for months until we both moved out to have the home remodeled to sell…
Why I’m telling you this is to show that there are many paths that one can take in the timing of separation/divorce. The critical thing that I think you need to get figured out is financial. So talk to your lawyer. Maybe come up with an agreement on financials/spending during this transition. In my case, I had put everything towards the family and the marriage, and in the end…in the divorce, those funds were just gone. If I had put more funds towards my own retirements or other accounts, I would have been better off. So protect yourself. Especially being a step-parent…we already get the raw end of the legal deal there.
Also, your emotions are going to be all over the place. All the more reason to not make rash decisions. So, you got angry and ‘slipped’…do better the next time. But at the same time be kind to yourself. This all takes time. It’s a lot. You are going to mess up. That’s okay. Pick yourself up and just keep moving forward.
My D took longer to happen because 1) I didn’t want to be the one to file 2) I hoped he might allow some opportunity for reconciliation, 3) I wasn’t in a good state of mind and was barely holding it all together. Then he dragged his feet…but after a while he still pushed for the D. If I felt that there was anything to salvage, I may have stayed standing. But not when he made no effort to end his AF and insisted he was done. And he also was stealing money. But that was my situation. Everyone has their own limits and own path. And there is no rush to find your way. Control what you can control. Talk to your lawyer and protect yourself in the short term and give yourself the time you need for the longer term stuff to come.
El
Me 52, H 56 T10 M7, 2nd MR for both 2 Step Sons (19 and 21) BD: Fall 2020 D finalized: July 2022 XH Married AP soon after D day.
