D is over there tonight and her grandmother couldn’t go. She was pissed at first. Actually, her dad had off today and picked her up around 1. She’s texted me a bunch of times about random stuff , which usually includes asking me to get her this or take her there or what are we going to do about this or that. But she’s fine. And I know she just wants everything to be normal. And she wants me to be normal.
And the truth is I am FULL of rage. And I have no outlet for it. I can’t be upset around her. I can’t let him know why I am upset or barely have the capacity to send him a text. I can’t tell my dad or stepmom. I am just so angry at him for putting his daughter is in this position twice. She is acting so totally normal right now, like it never happened. I know it’s atill going to blow up at Some point. And I did tell her eventually the truth will come out and the truth always does and she needs to be prepared and she says she understands . I know I will be picking up the pieces when it does.
I’m on the verge of screaming or crying every minute and I can’t really do either. Well, I can cry tonight because she isn’t here. I have no one to lean on, although I am having one of those moments where I want to do anything that will make feel good. But I don’t know what that is . I seriously think I am going to need the IC more than her, but truth is I can’t afford both of is. Unless I give up my gym, which I refuse. It’s the only place I feel calm and like me lately. I am getting super strong and it feels good.
Oh, and me and D are going to my dad and stepmoms sun-Tuesday and her grandma was going to watch the dog, but my ex and his wife offered to keep him. And D said yes. She doesn’t really get it. But I don’t even want my dog near them and I don’t want to have to interact with him .
I worked so hard all these years to keep a decent relationship with these 2 for her sake, but now it just became much much harder.
I’m just so angry. I’m a human pressure cooker. I don’t even know what to do with it
