Well today he texted asking if I can talk tonight after the kids go to bed. My gut tells me this is not a good sign.
I think that’s a good sign. Your friend is ready and wants to talk. Getting things off one’s chest and out in the open is a good step.
Your friend is displaying trust in you with his willingness to open up and confide.
Originally Posted by BL42
Any advice on what else to tell him?
Usually the best thing one can do is listen. Let him talk and tell you what he will.
Remain mostly neutral. He will be emotionally charged and hurt, and will feel and say all kinds of things. And as I’ve said so very often, feelings are fleeting. What he feels right now is not forever. Validate his feelings while not painting yourself into that position, for when his feelings change what about your’s. Speak more from values and rational positions, and only a little and gently. You, of course, ain’t going to solve this situation, he just needs to talk. That’s what I mean by neutral.
Something I received from a good friend after bomb drop (She herself received when her husband went off the rails. I altered it to read for a husband, original was for her.):
1)It’s too soon to tell.
It's too soon to tell if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If it's forever over or just a temporary split. You are just at the start of a process. Don't judge it or you or her too harshly. Don't analyze and awfulize this every minute of every day. It's too soon to tell what it all means and how it all ends.
2) Be the hero of your life story, not the victim of it.
That's up to you. No one can make you a victim without your permission. You don't need her to be the villain and you the victim. That doesn't help anyone, especially your children.
3.) This woman will always be the mother of your children.
Your children need to hear you speak kindly and lovingly of their mom. If you need to bash her and vent, do so when they are not around. They share her DNA. They don't want to feel they, too, are the bad guys.
4) Appoint yourself CEO of your joy.
It is no one else's job to make you happy. Period. Maybe she did for a while, maybe she never did. Doesn't matter. It's up to you to build a life of joy no matter what life hands you. See it through the eyes of gratitude. You can survive without her. You can't survive without you.
5) Create a 9-1-1 list of people to help.
Put their names and cell phone numbers on an index card you carry with you at all times. Ask them to be "on-call" to lend you an ear, a shoulder, a tissue, an old plate to break in an empty parking lot, the number for a good attorney. Create your own support Dream Team of the most positive people you know.
6) No playing bad home movies.
It's tempting to drift back in time and replay all the times she hurt you or loved you like crazy, which can make you feel crazy now. Stay present. Stay put in this day.
7) Pray for the serenity to accept the things you can't change.
If she had an affair, you can't change that. If she is in love with someone else, you can't change that. If she can't be talked out of the divorce, you can't change that. Acceptance means you align yourself with what is and start from there.
8) Breathe.
Just pause and breathe. Take a deep breathe and count slowly to six. Exhale slowly as you count to six. The slower you breathe, the more you will feel calm. Breathe in the love of God; breathe out the love of God. There is a place of peace inside of you -- find it. It is there. It's like the centerpiece in the snow globe. She shook your snow globe and all the pieces went flying, except for the core of you. No one -- no one -- has the power to shake that.
9) Nothing you want is upstream.
I love that line. Stop strugglng. Stop swimming against the current. Stop forcing yourself on life and insisting it change. Turn and go with the flow. A God who loves you is in charge of this flow. Trust where the current is taking you. It's somewhere better. Trust me. Better yet, trust you.
10) The best is yet to come.
As good as she was, you deserve better. You deserve the best. If this relationship is truly over, then she must not have been the best. She was a dress rehearsal. Maybe she was a great appetizer or the salad course. But she wasn't the main dish. And she sure wasn't the dessert. The next relationship will be even more life enriching and life affirming. Tell the Universe, "I am ready for my perfect good." Include your children in that perfect good. Keep your heart wide open and be ready for it to fill up with even greater love.
Hmmm. When I first got this list almost five years ago, I had troubles accepting it. I could see the wisdom and could somewhat believe in it. Today, looking it up, and reading it to forward for you - this list is spot on. Each of those nuggets is true.
I hope this helps.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
