Thanks to everyone who chimed in with thoughts. To update:
Attended MC with W yesterday before hitting the road on a previously planned trip with the kids. I'm well aware of the consensus on MC when it's not explicitly in a restorative capacity, but I found myself drifting and detaching heavily the past few days and thought I may well be arriving on the same page as W that something needed to be done. I was getting tired of taking an emotional backset to whomever the EA partner was.
The MC session started off ok enough. We both pretty much agreed that we were open to discussing separation options. This particular MC has experience in helping to facilitate "transitions." Unfortunately, I more or less went off the deep end by launching into W about her affair. I believe it came after the counselor was asking about the "best interests" of the children as far as whom might leave the house to begin a separation. The younger two kids gravitate more to W than me. So my ire was about being in this situation at all...in other words, why should I be tasked with leaving?
We got to a point where the scheduled trip felt on the verge of not being able to happen. The counselor spent probably the last 10-15 minutes of the session cooling things off and asking if we could hold it together for the kids (it goes without saying, and logic would dictate, that this could be the final trip we take; I'm typing this from our hotel). We both agreed that the trip should go forward. Fortunately the car ride was not the powder keg I envisioned it might've been.
When the session ended, we scheduled another appointment, but I'm probably going to back out of it. For anyone who may want to chastise me about even letting that MC meeting happen, again, I thought I was inching towards the door of separation, just like W. I'm still uncertain and conflicted. I don't think things will get better without W getting a taste of separated life. And even then, who knows. The two biggest factors for me right now are maintaining the two-parent stability in the house for the kids and of course, the comfort and familiarity of my own home that I bought and have worked on. W and I are both on the mortgage, to be fair. And yes, I am weak and still accepting the sexual crumbs that fall my way on a pretty consistent basis.
FWIW, the trip has settled in nicely despite some unfortunate vitriol last night after the kids were put to bed. W needed to have it out with me a little bit after what I said in the MC session, but I probably didn't do the greatest job of validating. I'm just too hung up on what Sandi typed a while back, about a WW dodging responsibility for an affair by pointing to past marriage shortcomings.
Many thanks to all who have posted on my situation and please keep the feedback coming.
