Stuck in limbo

[BL42]

LH19,

So BL do you believe that no matter what a spouse does you need to honor your vows? Don't you think it might be better to honor your values? Is sharing your W with another man part of your values?

What was important to me was to be able to know in my head & heart - and be able to honestly tell my children someday - that I stood up and did everything I could to save my marriage and keep our family together. I did honor my vows.

Imo, there was nothing in our marriage which couldn't have been fixed or worked out if both of us tried. And as soon as I knew there was anything seriously wrong I TRIED. That included offering to work things out after the affair with OM1 ended in order to keep our family together. It also included me not even attempting to date until well after the D was legally finalized, even though she had moved OM2 in with her soon after moving out.

But...I can say for certain I acted with integrity, stood up for my marriage and family, and can honestly tell my children that someday. That was important to me.

My point was BL made it sound like his W could do anything and he wouldn't divorce her because of his vows. IMO you must have boundaries that your partner cannot cross in a relationship/marriage.

Now, to your point, is there ANY boundary that would cause me to pull the trigger? Some stories where the LBS is waiting 5-10 years with multiple affairs and drug/alcohol abuse and destroyed financials? Maybe I wouldn't have had the resolve to put up with that. And maybe I shouldn't. But I wasn't tested that way. I don't know how to quantify that line. My now-ExW went full steam ahead with the separation/OM2/divorce, and did not (at least from what I saw) waiver one bit. So who knows what I would've decided if it dragged on a decade. That she did go full steam ahead and didn't waiver still blows my mind a bit because honest to god our relationship was not so bad. I know my viewpoint is common and obviously she disagreed but we had it pretty good, so sometimes I feel embarrassed or inadequate that I'm divorced, but just as often I'm comforted a bit knowing it really was her own journey and not nearly as much related to me.

If you married again will you have any boundaries?

I'm not sure if I would get married again. I certainly wouldn't put up with such post-BD BS again in an LTR. Part of my stance was due to young kids, though I realize that wasn't a clause in the vows ("I DO...if we have young kids").

P.S. I haven't heard "till death do us part" in a long time. Most of the weddings I attend people write their own vows and do NOT recite what was given by the church.

We did say "till death do us part", and I meant it. Even before DB/separation/divorce I remember having debates with friends who didn't take marriage as seriously as me and thought if you're not happy after 10 years it should be an option to renew or end it, which I thought was ludicrous. Now I suppose you could argue that technically neither of us are dead so I'm still bound by that vow, but my conscientious is clear that I stood until she actually did divorce me legally, so I think it's a fair stance for me to say that her action there absolves me of my vow.


Now...how does all that related to Doug54? He's mentioned a few times he's already ready to move on. If he's saying that just a few months in, what chance do they have? Maybe if he stands he won't have a chance to R, because ultimately it's up to his W. But if both of them move on it's way less likely they'll R. Now, to me, two decades of relationship and 3 children (plus two step children he's been a major influence in) says they owe the kids and themselves to work on it. Ultimately it's up to Doug54 to decide what actions are right for him and his children. But if I were him I'd dig down deep, consider his core beliefs, and be true to himself for his sake and his kids...all knowing it's ultimately not just up to him, and may not be in his control.