So I'm still self blaming, and my IC is still asking me why I self blame so much.
Good you recognize it. Keep working on it. Don't let his words and actions ruin your self worth.
Thanks. Again, super validating to hear you say WS pushes for LBS to have therapy. It never felt like he said it from a place of love, but rather holier than thou/power trip.
Originally Posted by BL42
He may actually be being completely honest and transparent with you here. Remember how WAS/WS like cake-eating? He's telling you in a straightforward manner that he likes having sex with you, but that does not mean he's changed his mind about having a relationship with you. There are many WAS/WS out there who are perfectly happy using the LBS for sex, or companionship, or favors...etc., while not wanting to give up their affair or separation/D. Not saying it's right, but it's common. So, you might consider taking him at his word on this one. BUT, know your boundaries and enforce them. If having sex with him knowing he still wants to leave you doesn't make you comfortable (and it shouldn't), then don't.
Yep, dep said didn't want that anymore. Thought of it honestly grosses me out. Who acts in such a stupid way? He always tries to come off as such a woke feminist too.
Originally Posted by BL42
You don't know what the IC is telling him. For all you know his IC might be advising him on all the items you listed, but he's completely ignoring the advice. I remember my ExW mentioned in one of our (3) MC sessions she had a big disagreement with her IC one session. Complete speculation on my part, but always wondered if her IC was pushhing back on her affair and plans to divorce me and break up our family for our two young kids and that was why my then-ExW had a rough session with her. Who knows. It's natural to speculate and wonder, but the quicker you can move to focusing on what you can control the better.
Great point. When I asked him why his IC didn't tell him that was all stupid he said I didn't understand the point of therapy and that's not how it works.
Originally Posted by BL42
Originally Posted by kml
Making you hide your pregnancy? That gives me creepy true crime murder show vibes.
Completely agree. Scumbag move for sure. Remember he's showing you who he really is, so believe it.
Yeah, I don't think he feels it was creepy or scummy because he's "honoring his emotions". He felt a lot of inspiration by this book where a woman left her family to find herself and true love after she realized she was queer. Really upset me, I was like....pretty sure this book isn't directed at you! He told me I couldn't understand. SO yeah. Creepy and scummy tendances all explained by whatever trash he's reading at the time.
Yeah, I don't think he feels it was creepy or scummy because he's "honoring his emotions".
He sounds like a bona fide narcissist. My exH of 24 years wasn’t quite this bad but he was also a narcissist, so I recognize the signs. (Took my best friend pointing it out to me after he left, but then all the puzzle pieces fell into place.)
The real task for you is to untangle yourself from all that f-d up manipulation your H has planted in your brain. Step back and ask yourself why you didn’t just call up your in-laws yourself and announce your pregnancy?
I’ll tell you, one thing I learned from my last boyfriend, is that it’s nice to be with someone who puts as much into the relationship as I do. With my narcissist husband, he could be charming (this is how narcissists lure you in) but in the long run, you’re only valuable as long as you make THEM look good and cater to their needs.
Yeah, I don't think he feels it was creepy or scummy because he's "honoring his emotions".
He sounds like a bona fide narcissist. My exH of 24 years wasn’t quite this bad but he was also a narcissist, so I recognize the signs. (Took my best friend pointing it out to me after he left, but then all the puzzle pieces fell into place.)
The real task for you is to untangle yourself from all that f-d up manipulation your H has planted in your brain. Step back and ask yourself why you didn’t just call up your in-laws yourself and announce your pregnancy?
I’ll tell you, one thing I learned from my last boyfriend, is that it’s nice to be with someone who puts as much into the relationship as I do. With my narcissist husband, he could be charming (this is how narcissists lure you in) but in the long run, you’re only valuable as long as you make THEM look good and cater to their needs.
Thank you. It's very clarifying hearing your opinions. I think it's really, really tough because overall the ex comes off as a really kind person, and in general he is - but he hasn't been kind to me.
I'm realizing more and more just how much he treated me so awful, and that anyone who is that great of a person doesn't treat someone like that. Nor do they say they don't want to be a father. I had a medical complication during pregnancy where it wasn't clear if I could hemorrhage/die or need an emergent hysterectomy during delivery, and he said "you're worried about not having future children and I don't even want this one". Not a kind thing to say when your life is on the line or future reproductive rights.
My narcissist ex was charming and publicly altruistic. He participated in fundraisers (with the “cool people”), worked on mosquito born disease prevention (as part of trips to exotic surfing destinations). But when my brother was falsely accused of a crime and we had to kick in 1/4 of his bail money (split evenly among my family members, even though we were much better off financially than the others - and the amount we paid was only $2500, something we could afford) - well, he groped and moaned and I never heard the end of it.
My narcissist ex was charming and publicly altruistic. He participated in fundraisers (with the “cool people”), worked on mosquito born disease prevention (as part of trips to exotic surfing destinations). But when my brother was falsely accused of a crime and we had to kick in 1/4 of his bail money (split evenly among my family members, even though we were much better off financially than the others - and the amount we paid was only $2500, something we could afford) - well, he groped and moaned and I never heard the end of it.
Yep, altruistic if its people he wants to impress. Sounds about right. Sorry you went through that kml. Makes it even tougher to speak your truth about the partner when everyone thinks he's so charming/amazing.
My ex is super impressionable around people he looks up to. For example, his yoga studio is actually thousands of miles away where his sister lives (it was her studio! he did yoga remotely and teaches remotely for it), when he talks about neighborhoods he wants to live in its wherever his friends live/recommend, restaurant choices are based on his friends' recs, etc.
part of my self blame is losing the respectability I had I guess. It's like...why does everyone else's opinions matter and not mine? But it's not about me, as you all have kindly said.
Well, ironically, as I was typing a reply here the ex texted saying he was nearby getting some errands done and wondered if he could come by, he acknowledged it was last minute so no pressure, but also offered to watch the baby at some point this weekend if I wanted to get some errands done myself.
TBH I needed to run to Costco and Friday night is the best time to do it (no lines!) so invited him over. He said he realized he hadn't ate anything yet but I had some dinner in the oven so said he was welcome to some. When he arrived the baby had woken up and was a super cutie as always.
Ex and I sat outside with our son and he told me about the shenanigans getting our old place (that I hated) rented. We'd asked to end the lease early due to divorce etc. It was a nice conversation.
I left for Costco and had a nice trip. Bought too many things since I'm still catching up from the move - it's kind of hard being there alone, it was a fun place to shop with my friends before my ex moved here, then it was a fun way to spend an afternoon with the ex, and now I'm alone.
I came back from Costco and ex was a little annoyed (not a lot, but just slightly) since he figured he'd help out at SOME point, not necessarily tonight. Offered to get him dinner as a thanks but he declined but was very gracious about it and said he'd like to take me up on it soon.
Nothing else really new to report other than a completely crazy week at the hospital.
I had a medical complication during pregnancy where it wasn't clear if I could hemorrhage/die or need an emergent hysterectomy during delivery, and he said "you're worried about not having future children and I don't even want this one". Not a kind thing to say when your life is on the line or future reproductive rights.
That's a pretty awful thing to say. Remember, he's telling you who he is...so believe it.
Originally Posted by Newborn
when he talks about neighborhoods he wants to live in its wherever his friends live/recommend, restaurant choices are based on his friends' recs, etc
Not sure getting friends' input on neighborhoods or restaurants recommendations is a indication of anything bad.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I had a medical complication during pregnancy where it wasn't clear if I could hemorrhage/die or need an emergent hysterectomy during delivery, and he said "you're worried about not having future children and I don't even want this one". Not a kind thing to say when your life is on the line or future reproductive rights.
That's a pretty awful thing to say. Remember, he's telling you who he is...so believe it.
Originally Posted by Newborn
when he talks about neighborhoods he wants to live in its wherever his friends live/recommend, restaurant choices are based on his friends' recs, etc
Not sure getting friends' input on neighborhoods or restaurants recommendations is a indication of anything bad.
Oh absolutely, I agree. Sorry if I wasn't clear enough: He takes recs but to the extreme. Eg, when his friend he spent a lot of time with was very religious the ex would go to bible study despite being a lifelong athiest and wearing a cross. When his other friend was a death metal fiend, Ex got his eyebrow pierced and would go to death metal concerts. When another friend was a yoga teacher and into astronology, ex started going to yoga teacher training and posting about astrology on his instagram.
The reason the neighborhoods/restaurants thing is weird is because his preferred neighborhoods in the past were based on what I liked. When he went to see his friends, all of the neighborhoods were what his friends liked. He doesn't have his own opinion I guess is what I'm trying to convey.
Thank you. It's very clarifying hearing your opinions. I think it's really, really tough because overall the ex comes off as a really kind person, and in general he is - but he hasn't been kind to me..
This resonates with my situation so much. In general H is a sweetheart, he helps me with kids, cooks, cleans, does groceries, helps family and friends, but then he gaslit me and blamed me for him having the affair. I have heard so many stories of people who divorced and remained friends saying they still "have love" for each other but just cannot stay married or stay together in a relationship. It didn't make sense to me then, but now it makes soo much sense.
