Stuck in limbo

[BL42]

Doug54,

OTOH, do I want to be treading water for eons rather than getting this show on the road and meeting a better partner at some point?

But I don't think I have the patience to "stand" for too long in an emotionally lacking marriage.

Have you seen the phrase "it's a marathon, not a sprint"? The most likely case is any turn around is going to take a LONG time, not turn on a dime. You need to steel your resolve or you're unlikely to be successful.

Did you mean you would not want to be the one deciding on separation? That sort of makes more sense, and is probably something I could live with. Let her be the bad guy who broke up the family.

Correct, that's what I meant. Excuse the typo. If ExW wanted separation/divorce I could not stop her, but I was not going to let her actions be an excuse for me to break my vows. It's not about positioning her to be the bad guy, yet getting the result you want; it's about standing up with integrity to do what was right for me and my kids and honoring the vow I made. We can't control what are spouse does - hence I'm divorced - but we can choose to act with integrity and do the right thing regardless.

To your point, since I joined the forum, I have been foaming at the mouth a little over boundaries and respect regarding W merrily forging ahead, texting her EA partner with impunity, with no reverence for the institution of marriage. I'm seemingly vacillating between "Yeah, I hope to save things" and "I'm out! I'm done!

It's natural to vacillate. You have a lot of emotions to process. It's going to take a long time and you'll have ups and downs. Be wary of wishing to pull the plug quickly - you may regret it. Take time to work through what you really want. You likely feel anxious and want a result but work on patience; there's no rush.

Though since I've started detaching, she's sought me out more to ask what's going on, am I mad? I don't know if emotionally available Doug54 would elicit the same reaction.

When the LBS clings on for ear life and smoothers the WS/WAS it causes them to run in the other direction. If you detach, keep your head up, smile and gone on to live your life they sometimes start to wonder if they're making the right choice...