I understand where you are all going with this. It's true, separation and divorce brings out different behaviours. I believe this is called a personality trap or something. And yeah, we all have narcs at the end.
My contribution to my sitch is avoidance. If I didn't avoid her behaviour from the start, and valued myself, what would it look like? I dunno, maybe she'd behave better, maybe I'd see her true colours early on, and not have spent 12 years in an unsatisfying relationship. That is my work, to accept myself, to learn to live with myself, and to ensure I am not afraid of conflict.
Why am I sure she's a narc? So many behaviours point to her as covert. Even early on, she wasn't empathetic to me, or put in the emotional effort I needed. I know this maybe rewriting history, there were some great times. But it never felt like a true, equal partnership. I was the co-dependant who gave her heaps of supply.
How am I being a better father? By actively spending time with them, by fighting for a parenting plan that allows me to be the safe place for them, by validating their emotions in a way that STBNEX doesn't. By involving them in the realities of two homes when she keeps them in the dark. By going beyond what is required in the Parenting Plan when she complains it's too hard. This board showed me to reframe her selfish time as more time with kids. And I am.
I'm not saying I'm blameless. Far from it. I allowed her to treat me like crap for over a decade. I avoided conflict. I'm in IC to work through the now, and to eventually work on how to be a better partner in the future.
The reality is, she walked out on therapy when things got too vulnerable. When she reframed and blamed me in therapy, and got caught out from it.
Despite the hell she is putting me through, I'm weeks away from freedom. My overseas trip showed how peaceful and different parenting is with just me. And whilst I'm sad at the reduced time with D1, I know that ex needs me to have more D1 time in the future, and I'll be there.
In any event, I have a clarity about my future like never before, and that is why it's freaking awesome. Rather than be depressed that she's wanting to take away my kids, screw me on finances, and want me to always be there for her, I'm happy. I accept that the next few months are tough, I know I won't die, I plowed through and got a good position on the kids, I have a great L who is keeping things on track, and the kids seem excited on decorating a new room in a new home.
DB principles saved the M the first time, but saved me the second time.
Incidentally, narcs may be 4%, but they can't keep relationships. I wonder if this board sees a higher proportion of narcs for that reason. I've not seen much here to address the uniqueness of narcassim, I've sought that support elsewhere. But I have to think for those who truely have that sort of personality disorder, DB can't help them or the M.
