Stuck in limbo

[BL42]

Doug54,

she's months deep in an EA in which I know few details.

Hate to say this, but chances are it's longer / deeper than you know - very possibly PA, even if he's out of town.

I think she is looking for a soft landing in the form of getting a better job and one of us moving out.

Very possible.

We're going to a MC this week that supposedly helps work on "transitions" as part of their practice, in addition to regular MC stuff.

Personally, I'd cancel. "Unless you're interested in repairing our marriage, I don't see a need for MC."

I'm curious if W will actually bring up any concrete plan suggesting I move out for a bit.

Personally I WOULD NOT move out. If she brings it up "I do not plan to move out.", then listen and validate. Or, if you'd rather "I'll have to think about that." Do no commit to anything in real time. Give yourself a chance to think about any proposal before responding. There's no rush to decide in the moment.

My dilemma is that it's clearly best for the kids if we both remain in the house for now. We're not fighting and it's a steadier presence for one parent to be home while the other is out somewhere.

It's best for the kids IF you both agree to and commit to working it out. But that depends on your stance, yes, but also your W's, so it's not fully in your control. If one or both of you will not commit to working on it just delaying the inevitable with the move-out/separation. Personally I would want to be the one to decide to separation or D. That was my ExW's choice, not mine - I'm comfortable with my own decisions for my own integrity and morals.

On the other hand, I'm not thrilled with the cake-eating and time W spends at night clearly on her phone with the EA partner. There's just no doubt.

You're right. You know she's cheating. There is no doubt. And it's definitely hard when it's thrown in your face during IHS.

If I were to pre-emptively say in the MC session that I'm tired of it, I'm done, I'm getting a separation agreement drawn up, separating the checking account, and moving out with family (and then do so), it would be a big reality check for her. If there were ever any hope for R down the road, it would be kick-started by this.

I absolutely would NOT do this as a way to "wake her up". If anything this is more likely to slide your relationship down the slippery slope. The general stance here is open the cage and let her go if she chooses to - and indifferent party - but don't kick start/initiative the process.

To be honest, I don't know if the trust deficit that now exists could ever be restored.

Only you can decide that.

But me getting out of the house would help further my detachment, which is currently coming along.

On the one hand it will help bring peace and settle you down a bit not having that in your face. On the other her EA will continue anyway, and it might help push things along for her. If she wants to leave, let her to the heavy lifting. Just IMO.

I know it seems to be generally recommended that the cheater and the one who wants the D should be the one to go, but she has no local options and has stated in the past that she wouldn't leave the kids.

That's her problem. Seriously. She's having an affair and wants to rip apart your family. You shouldn't be concerned about making it easier for her because she doesn't have family in town. Just my opinion, and you can take it or leave it, but I would not leave the house. Your children know and are comfortable in that house. That's their home. Let your W find a new place and have them be "home" with you and "go visit mommy at her new place".