Stuck in limbo

[BL42]

Doug54,

I definitely feel like I'm in a place of strength now.

You sound stronger than most newcomers, which is good.

To be honest, I was ready to pull the rip cord on D about a month ago, but finances and me not wanting to be the one to leave, plus my IC posing some thoughts on my preparedness to do so made me pause.

Careful. Don't do anything rash. Do you know what you want? Filing for D rarely helps. Most here say you should focus/work on yourself, don't try to block anything D-wise but don't rush it along either. To be clear, I'm pro-marriage. It's definitely best for the kids, you, and W (imo) IF you two can get on the same page and work things out.

I also got caught up in the template for dealing with a MLC rather than focusing on the EA.

People told me - and I've seen advice to many others as well - don't try to diagnose your spouse; focus on yourself, not whether it's an "EA" or "MLC".

Perhaps after consulting with a lawyer I could get a separation agreement drawn up wherein I'm not considered abandoning the household, and live free with nearby family while the separation clock starts ticking.

Definitely consult an L before you move out. That's an absolute must.

Top concern would probably be getting the finances separated ahead of this breast augmentation procedure.

Definitely don't pay for her surgery. I think it must places an elective surgery like that right before separation/D would be her obligation, not yours, but again...consult an L.

I don't know if I really see a path to R at this point. In this day and age with smartphones, I feel I'll never be able to trust W again.

Trust hard to build and easy to destroy.

Part of my problem the last few months was that my brain would just play a loop of greatest hits when I thought about the relationship.

As is often said around here, many LBSs look at the marriage through rose colored glasses once BD hits and forget they were not all that happy in the marriage either.

Then I would consider the financial hit of D, effect on the children, and what the marriage currently looked like.

You should consider the kids. There's no doubt they're better off if their parents can work it out.

Here's an interesting tidbit that I'm almost embarrassed to admit. I met W while she was separated from her first husband.

Good you can be honest and transparent about it. The timeline certainly made it questionable. Perhaps some karma coming back at you.

It was an abusive relationship with the high school / college boyfriend which resulted in a shotgun wedding.

Do you know it was abusive? Or were you told that. I know my ExW told her family and friends that I beat her down emotionally to a 0. I absolutley did not. My ExW told people ludcrious things like I refused to let the kids eat pancakes (one morning at 5am when she was leaving the house early to work to meet up with her AP I told them no pancakes this morning) I also know my ExMIL told people my ExFIL was abusive and I strongly suspect he was not. The point is...you can't really trust what they tell you. They're not going to say the father of their young children who they're leaving is a standup guy...they need to justify what they're doing.

In retrospect, a clear monkeybranching scenario.

Is their father in the picture? You must have an impression of him after 19 years of helping to raise his kids. Is he has bad as she described when she left him for you?

But it certainly wasn't in the territory of the narcissism and control stuff she tried to throw out there as justification after sessions with her IC. Again, definitely trying to validate leaving in her own head.

Right. They need to justify their actions.

BL42, would you mind giving me a Cliffs notes version of how your situation shook out? I'm sure you have threads somewhere but I'm still making my way through Steve's. Thanks again.

WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce
Married 7 years, together 9 with a 1yo daughter and 4yo son when two weeks after a family vacation to Disney now-ExW says she wants to separate. I find out the next day she's in an EA with a married coworker which turns into PA and for the next several months beg/plead/try talks and put the kids to bed/get them up in the morning while she's "working late" and "working early" inlcuding leaving our son's birthday party early to meet up with AP. The affair ends when their employer and OM1's W find out, and I naively ask her to keep the family together (again), only to find out later she's already lined up OM2, and moves out/files for D/moves him in with my kids in a matter of a month. 2.5 years post-BD, 1 year officially divorced.

I'm more involved with the kids this summer (I certainly wasn't absentee in any way before, but I've taken more initiative lately to give W "space").

Great. Make sure being a good father is your #1 priority. They deserve that.

I've gone to a gym for years and don't have a dad body at all, so the 2.0 Doug won't be going from schlub to physical specimen.

Good. You're ahead of the game.

I've reconnected with old friends and have a fun reunion planned with a college buddy in a couple weeks.

Awesome. Sounds like you're doing all the right stuff Doug54.

I need to get into some new stuff though, to re-forge my identity. W really curtailed my social life early in the marriage.

Very common, but self-reflection...you allowed that to happen. Make sure to focus on yourself and your interests in the future.

I was wondering - if the line about "you'll never be more attractive than when she thinks she might lose you" applies, what incentive do I have to be the one to leave?

People tend to want things they can't have, and tend to try to hold onto things that are slipping away from them. It doesn't mean you should move out and divorce her. It means detach and start focusing on improving yourself and making your life great. If she senses your calm, cool, collected and are starting to detach she might just start wondering...