Thank you DnJ for taking the time to post such a detailed reply. You gave me much to ponder and I think I am clearer on where I am in this now.
Yes, the last 6 months have been interesting. After months, years really, of seeing absolutely no change, what I’m seeing now is certainly interesting.
This past week there haven’t been the daily calls. I suspect it’s because he either doesn’t need me for any more help, or because his recent moving toward me has scared him, or because he has made plans to visit OW in 2 weeks time. Or a combination of the above. Right now I’d bet money that he has made a decision to see OW and has made firm travel plans. His MLC mind might be telling him it’s cheating on her if he is in close contact with me. Or maybe he sees his own recent actions toward me as leading me on when he is on the verge of seeing his OW again.
Whatever has led him to stop the daily contact is fine with me. I was getting a bit nervous about the direction it was going. Like I said earlier, I like my life the way it is and I’m not sure I want to make room in my life for him anymore. You are right when you say the old marriage is dead. I already see that we are both different enough people now that we couldn’t just pick up where we left off. So that leaves me wondering what a new marriage would look like and I struggle to imagine it. I can’t see us connecting and being as close as we once were even if we were both committed to that. I also feel quite a bit of resistance within me to the idea of actively being his wife again. I don’t think whatever marriage we could put together would work. There,,I said it. I don’t want the marriage back. I would like to reconnect though and maybe reconcile a friendship. But just saying that meets with some resistance within me. It’s possible I might feel differently in the future. He is still in MLC and until he is out of MLC or close to it, I’m fine just staying where I am. This has nothing to do with any residual anger or bitterness, or any other negative feelings. I have released all those feelings over the last few years. He is someone I still love in some measure and I truly wish him the best.
I have decided it’s time to drop the 180 fully. Not because I want him back but because it’s no longer necessary. The 180 kept me from initiating contact or having R talks. I find now that I really don’t desire either which is interesting to me. If he wanted to have a R talk right now I think I would try to change the subject. And initiating contact is no problem if I have a specific reason to do so. But for now, I cannot call just to chat or invite him out to do something. My interest is not strong enough. I also think he is still too far away from the end of his MLC. And I am quite aware I’m just rambling away here, lol.
It’s clear to me that I have as much to figure out of as a LBS as he does as a MLC. I was initially excited a bit to see what appeared to be movement in his MLC. Now, I think I’m more curious than anything since there isn’t a lot of reading on the net about what these later MLC years look like.
If he resumes with the OW as I expect, he will just be following a predictable MLC path. Eventually that R will fall apart and if it doesn’t I’ll be surprised. He will go through withdrawal from her when it ends for the final time. Then when OW has served her purpose in his MLC, he will move thru the difficult later stages. If he moves toward me again during that time I’ll be supportive. I want a restoration of some kind with him but not a marriage restoration. Maybe time and progress will change that but idk. And maybe I need to see more changes in him too. Time will tell.
