The ones who claim they were nothing but loving devoted spouses are the ones blowing smoke up their own arses.
I beg to differ. There are plenty of loving, devoted spouses married to people with pathological issues.
Don’t get me wrong, in the process of DBing, I went over myself with a fine tooth comb, took a ruthlessly honest self-inventory and improved anything I could. But none of those things had anything at all to do with my H’s infidelities and ultimate departure. Those were completely about him, as proven by his actions unrelated to me after the divorce.
And if I have any doubts about myself as a partner, all I have to do is look at my other relationships. Virtually every man I’ve ever dated, except for my exH, thinks I’m grand. Regardless of whether I broke up with them or they broke up with me, we remain friends and they say the nicest things about me.
(And why, you might ask, aren’t I married to one of those men? Not every relationship is destined to last. Some loved other women more, like the guy whose old high school girlfriend showed up. In some cases either I or they were not in the right place in life to be in a long term relationship. In some cases our differences were just too great - the rocker and the med student were just on different trajectories at the time. )
So if I’m such a kind, loving, smart and sexy partner that all my old boyfriends still think I’m a “ray of sunshine and always was”, as one tells me - how am I responsible for my narcissistic ex’s dark hole that he can never fill ? I think the fact that we were together for 26 years is a testament to what a good partner I was. I doubt he could have lasted that long with someone less devoted (and oblivious to his cheating ).
Some spouses can’t be made happy no matter how hard we try or how good a spouse we are. Some of them can’t stick around when illness or issues with children arise. Some just panic when they turn 50 and realize they’re not immortal.
