Over 2 years and still so much pain,,,

[DnJ]

Good Morning Adios

It is interesting the direction of H’s path during the last eight months.

…he was so much like his old self, chatty, relaxed, friendly, held eye contact. Same with the dinners. I wondered about his friendliness in the beginning but brushed it off as he was simply grateful that I assisted him with his investment. But then it continued and still continues. He has contacted me almost every day now for over a month. I can’t help wonder if he isn’t beginning to emerge from Replay, or at least from the thicker fog within replay. We have talked more in the last month than in the last 3 years. All initiated by him.

His behaviour is becoming consistently demonstrated.

He has contacted you every day for over a month. I suspect you have answered him, pretty much every day as well.

I have often thought I’d like a chance to restore things if it ever came to that but I never expected it would. Now I don’t know if I want that anymore - I like my life the way it is now although I do miss the comfort and closeness we had within our marriage.

Is he ripe for reconnection or just killing time until they can resume things. When do I switch from years of practicing the 180 to an approach that might encourage him to keep moving in my direction? I really have no clue how to proceed from here.

I get it. We do find our new normal and do not want to loose our gains.

I also don’t know if it did come to that how to proceed. I’m so used to practicing the 180 but obviously that has to go if anything is to progress. When do I begin to initiate anything without sending him running for the hills? Or is it still too early for any of that and should I still leave initiating to him?

Yes we do have to redirect our 180 efforts somewhat. Realize those 180s - GAL, live for you, stand for you - are you. You don’t loose those convictions. And you already have shifted some 180s - Dim, dark, NC - you and he speak almost daily; more in the past month than you have in the past three years.

Is H ready or looking to reconnect? I do not know for certain. No one does. However, things do look favourable towards that end.

Are you ready or desiring to reconnect? As you’ve wisely said, you are not sure. My advice, that’s not no, so go with maybe you are.

So what to do? Reconnecting is far less common, and much less scripted than a crisis.

You, the LBS, has done the inner work, healed, become better not bitter, and so on. H is moving forward, and you are correct he is still not yet comfortable in his own skin, proceed gently.

Something immediate: Call him. Invite him over for a BBQ. That is a nice 180 from him always calling. In my view, H is jumping through lots of hoops of his own volition (daily contacts), it doesn’t hurt to acknowledge that by action. And it shows your interest. Have a nice supper and conversation. It will be interesting to see what information he offers.

Some things more general (in no particular order):

You are the more healed one. For a while you will have to lead things a bit. And your forgiveness, compassion, and understanding will be tested. It’s not fair, I get it. You will need to meet him more than half way at times. H is looking and seeking that you don’t hate him. That you might even forgive him. Of course, that is in an effort for him to forgive and love himself too. He is not out of the woods yet, though he is walking towards the edge.

Lead slowly and gently. Mostly it will seem and appear that H is leading; you just gently steer is all.

Live your life. Be you. You will not loose those gains. In fact, those traits and being healed are attractive. Let H run to catch up to you. It’s not the other way around; it’s not you slowing down for him. And he will catch up, if he wants too.

You are not recreating your marriage. You are creating something new. It would be dating, and exploring where this goes, and who he is. Seeing if he and you are compatible.

Don’t worry about losing him or your reconnection. You’ve lost him long ago. Right now, he is turning back is all. Nothing really to lose when you look at it. Maybe lots to gain though.

OW will need to be discussed at some point. Purging her from his life will take time. He will have withdrawal. Boundaries and stay the course. One example, is he needs to be one year OW free before he and you live together. One year! And if he reaches out to her, the clocks resets. It’s a serious thing. It’s a serious message. You are serious about reconnecting/reconciliation. Is he? Let him demonstrate it.

During that year - date. Enjoy. Have fun.

You are, and always were, the prize. No need to make him grovel or beg or plead, yet don’t give you away either. It’s not him earning you; it’s him earning your respect and trust.

You will have lots of questions for H. Hold off on most of them. He will answer them in due course.

H, recently, is behaving like a new person. For hopefully he is. This is the man you are talking too and maybe dating. The crisis H will not exist, if H heals well. It’s part of building a new relationship, rather than dredging the old and trying to repair.

Anyhow, just some ideas.

D