My narcissist ex was charming and publicly altruistic. He participated in fundraisers (with the “cool people”), worked on mosquito born disease prevention (as part of trips to exotic surfing destinations). But when my brother was falsely accused of a crime and we had to kick in 1/4 of his bail money (split evenly among my family members, even though we were much better off financially than the others - and the amount we paid was only $2500, something we could afford) - well, he groped and moaned and I never heard the end of it.
Yep, altruistic if its people he wants to impress. Sounds about right. Sorry you went through that kml. Makes it even tougher to speak your truth about the partner when everyone thinks he's so charming/amazing.
My ex is super impressionable around people he looks up to. For example, his yoga studio is actually thousands of miles away where his sister lives (it was her studio! he did yoga remotely and teaches remotely for it), when he talks about neighborhoods he wants to live in its wherever his friends live/recommend, restaurant choices are based on his friends' recs, etc.
part of my self blame is losing the respectability I had I guess. It's like...why does everyone else's opinions matter and not mine? But it's not about me, as you all have kindly said.
