Hey Doug. Welcome to the forum and sorry you are going through this. It is kind of strange that you mentioned my threads because as I was reading your post the thought that it was similar to my situation struck me. And it is even more similar to my first situation with my W from 2005.
The first thing I can tell you is you need to drop your fear of D. When you try to DB out of fear it will cause you to do the wrong things. I tried DBing for 2 months out of fear of D. Once I started to drop the fear (about the time I found this forum) my DBing got a lot better. Dropping fear doesn't happen overnight, it is a process. Just like emotional detachment.
Next, remember, actions not words. You need to act not talk, but you also need to assess her plans based her actions, not words. D talk is on the back-burner, but all of her actions sound like she is heading that direction. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about that, which is why removing the focus from her, focusing on yourself, and starting to employ good DB principles it the best path forward for you.
I certainly do not recommend grabbing her phone from her hand. Assume the worst, hope for the best. Someone that is a bulldog with their phone is hiding something. Only the guilty have something to hide. So again, take her at her actions: if she is hiding her phone from you, if she is in the bathroom for long periods of time, etc, you can be assured that an EA is going on. Whether it is the same guy, or whether that fizzled and this is someone new is really not important. We LBSs like to fixate on the AP, but this is less about THE AP, and more about AN AP. In other words, if the AP ended things with her tomorrow, she'd just go out looking for a new one. It is part and parcel of wayward wives.
Speaking of that, you say this is her second marriage, but you do not say how her first marriage ended. Can you share why her first marriage ended?
Also, remember these words from one of the most wise posters this forum has ever seen (AnotherStander), you cannot nice her back to the marriage. Remember that. You want to command her respect, not try to nice her back. This is why GAL is so important. You need to stay busy and make her a much smaller part of her life. After all, that is what she has really asked for. She won't feel like she is losing you until she feels like she is losing you. Yeah, I said that right.
I'd cancel MC. "I've decided MC would be a waste of time at this point. Instead, I am just going to continue with IC to work on myself." MC in these situations rarely, if ever, work.
Remember, focus on what you can control, let go of what you cannot.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
