Running out of steam!

[COG]

Suit,

Thanks for the feedback. I was in good shape, doing triatholons when we first met. I'm about 20 pounds heavier that I was then, mostly fat. I lost 20 after she dropped the bomb, but have gained it back. I could definately stand to loose a few. I already recognize that and have done a fairly good job on my wardrobe. I am currently training for a 10K run. It's not much but it keeps me in average shape. I think this would be a good time to step it up a notch or two though.

The hard one will be to stop asking her to take me back and give our marriage another go. Your right though, she knows what I want, I have been clear and relentless on that topic. So, I will push to perfect these 180's, and get my butt in better shape. Sounds like a plan.

Thank you so much for helping me find a direction and a means to my goal. My W is beautiful, she's a wonderful mother, and a good friend. She deserves a man that is handsome, humble, and supportive. Little by little, I think I'm gettin there!

Thanks,

COG

[SuitedUp]

COG,

I've read a few of your posts to other people where you seem to update your sitch better than you do here.

I really do see that you are making progress, not just little steps but in leaps and bounds. I admire your conviction, your willingness and determination to see this through to a positive outcome.

Changing like you have, particulary your attitude is very encouraging and it not a task taken on by the feint hearted.

I think the track you are on is rock solid. If you have the time, run a search on RandyH. The place you are at reminds me of his sitch. He was D'd for a few years and litle by little, his xW came back to him. It was an exercise in extreme patience but he pulled it off. For him, the challenge was to ML and after it was mission accomplished, I don't think he has been back since.

You are in a much better place. All your W has to do is to forgive whatever is bugging her, keeping her heart locked up and then, and only then, will she let you back in. You can help her with this. All the work that you have been doing will accomplish this. All that is required from you is to keep doing what is working and smother it all in incredibly patient love.

Suit

[COG]

Suit,

Thank you for the acknowledgement and inspiration. W and I have come a long way and I agree that we are on the right track.

The last discussion that you and I had about going 100% on the 180's is already helping. I have not asked her to take me back, and have not been pushy. I don't even consider bringing up sex. I am happy, supportive, and friendly, a "strait stick". I don't show disappointment if I am not included in her plans, but am finally able to show a little enthusiasm for her good time without me.

Our conversations are very long, and cover topics like kids, friends, workouts, spiritual topics, her work, my work, and normal adult stuff. I am open to talk when she wants to, and however long she wants to. She told me just two nights ago how nice our conversations are now. I can tell she loves to talk to me. I do a lot more listening and acknowledging her. It feels great for me too. This morning I gave her a hug, and a few minutes later, she initiated one back to me. The dark cloud that used to engulf us just keeps shrinking and shrinking. It's completely gone except for the physical intimacy. She says she wants to feel a certain way towards me before she can be intimate. I hope and pray that new feelings will emerge from our new R.

You really have inspired me, and helped me rise to another level. There are no guaruntees in life, but faith and hope can take us places that we did'nt think we could go.

I will look up RandyH's thread for more insight.

For him, the challenge was to ML

What does ML stand for?

Thank you for the time, the honesty, and genuine concern you have shared with me. This whole painful nightmare has been a great gift to me. I have grown in mind and spirit.

I thank my W for blowing the whistle on our mundane life and M. We, mostly me, were worshipping the gods of career, money, toys, and image. Our/My ego and self centeredness was running, and ruining my life. She rocked my world, and in the process forced me to realize who my first love really is, Jesus Christ. I continually remind myself to see Him in others, and see others through His eyes. It is a very peaceful and joyful way to exist.

Thank you for giving the time and energy to help those of us who are still in the battle. It is a tremendous gift of time and spirit that you are sharing. I hope that I can return the favor to you, or to someone else some day.

God bless you and your family. I will pray for you today.

Thanks,

COG

[COG]

I have been successful in going 100% on my 180's, and found a little success. An interesting exchange today. W dropped by my house to pick up K's this morning as planned. When we hugged goodbye she asked me if I knew what day it was (our 14th church wedding anniversay). (Side Bar: we did'nt have to, but we sort of eloped on valentines day and got married by a justice of the peace, then had a church wedding in June, so we used to celebrate two anniversaries.) Back to my story, so I sighed in disbelief that I forgot our anniversary. Me the guy who has worried and fretted over every other anniversay in the recent past, totally afraid and anxious that she would forget, or just not care. Now, here I am, I've let go!

Anyway, she gave me a warm hug, smiled softly at me and said, Happy New Relationship! Now I'm not going to read too much into this and expect anything more, but it sure felt gooooooood to hear those words and see her smile! She is beautiful. I did'nt push and force her to explain what "New Relationship" means. I just acknowledged and agreed with her.

One more baby step, and DB success.

COG

[SuitedUp]

Right on COG. Don't read into it but Happy New Relationship sounds like quite a major baby step. Also, congratulations on keeping up with your goals and 180's. They say that if you aim for nothing, then that's what you always hit. IF you aim for something, at least you have a chance of hitting it.

I really like how you let it slide and didn't delve deeper into the meaning. You are right about letting go, I think calander dates are the first domino to fall in the process. Keep letting go, don't be afraid to do this. Even when an M is restored, I can't see what long term value there is in getting attached like we did before. Sure there are some dependencies but by and large, we still need to be independent. Dependency is a precendent to control and that's not good.

COG, have you given some thought to a future when you do get back together? I think you are in a good place and it may be proactive to consider this option?

Suit

[COG]

Suit,

Once again, thank you for the encouraging words.

Dependency is a precendent to control and that's not good.

Truer words were never spoken. I have only learned that recently and just seeing it written inspires me to pray more about that.

COG, have you given some thought to a future when you do get back together? I think you are in a good place and it may be proactive to consider this option?

I do dream about it sometimes, but all the decisions I have made over the past three years have been made with the belief that some day we will be together. As a result, I have experienced one dissappointment after another. This experience has motivated me to live in the reality of the moment. In other words, we have no plans to get together; therefore, I am a little uncomfortable making plans, or even thinking about a future together. It's definately what I want, hope, and pray for, but until it happens, it's safer to stay in the reality of the moment. Besides, it will make it much more exciting when it does happen.

This from a guy who at one time had his whole life planned out. Career, retirement, life goals, vacations, kids education, travel, etc. etc. all scehduled and planned out until W dropped the bomb on my parade. I think I will just live day to day for a while longer.

Thanks again for your great insight and support.

COG

[SuitedUp]

COG,

It's been a while since you last posted here. Are you making progress?

Suit

[COG]

Suit,

Good to hear from you. My situation continues to improve. Just coming back to this thread and reading my old posts to you gives me a great reference.

I have done very well with the 180's we discussed back in June. I am about 100% on all of them. I slip once in awhile on asking her to get back together. I'm about 95% on that one and I'm getting better at it. I am also getting better at being me, and at staying warm and composed when she gets a little wacky.

I took an 18 day vacation in July; toured NYC for a few days then on to Italy for two weeks. It was a fantastic trip. W and kids drove me to my sister's house near the airport. We exchanged warm goodbyes and then I did'nt call home until I was back in the airport 18 days later. I sent some postcards with general travel conversations but nothing deeper.

I was a little nervous about what the reaction might be when I got home but was pleasantly surprised. They all missed me terribly. W did too. She was warmer than ever when I got home. The kids told me I could never go away again for more than one day. It felt good to be missed.

That trip was kind of an awakening for me. It made me a stronger individual. I realizee I can have fun on my own.

Anyway, the warmth did'nt progress into heat. It cooled off a little over the summer, but our friendship is still better than ever. We both agree that we are closer to having the relationship we both want than we were six months ago.

She did a couple of things that were very inconsiderate to me a month or so ago. Most times I would just forgive her and not make a big deal out of it, but you know, I'm tired of taking her petty BS.

I let her know that her actions were'nt OK with me. I did'nt react to it immediately. I took a day and formulated my concerns then we had the confrontation. I stood my ground and fought, instead of running away and hiding. I earned some respect that day.

My W is a very busy person. She even admits sometimes she keeps busy so she does'nt have to face her problems. We tend to disconnect when we don't spend some alone time together just in conversation. I let her know that it was'nt OK with me. I am to the point where I know that I can live without her, that I am ready to D anytime she is, that I need more in my life, that I totally respect her and understand that she can't love me completely, that I forgive her, that I love our freindship and appreciate her effort for trying to make our marriage work, but I need more. I have presented this to her in a way that I feel is not controlling because I really mean it, and she knows it. I communicated it to her in a nonconfrontational, matter of fact way.

I think my honesty has helped. I guess you can consider it a 180 on neglecting MY wants and needs. She has come closer to me since I opened up. Her hugs are warmer and more frequent, we laugh more, we tickle and tease each other a little. She asks me to hang on and not give up.

During the past few months, we have spent several weekends away together, with the kids. She says that she is really encouraged and uplifted by our weekends away. I think she feels these might be a window to what it might be like if we were living together.

Just got back from a weekend in SF last night. As we said our goodbyes last night she thanked me, gave me a warm smile and hug and said "another great weekend together". Our weekends together have become very relaxed, and fulfilling. The opposite of the stress, anxiety, and frustration that used to exist.

In summary, I am more in love with her than I was 6 months ago, and I think she could say the same about me. Our time spent together is more peaceful, relaxed, and overall more fulfilling than it was six months ago. While neither one of us knows how this will end, we will both accept D if necessary but we are both still hopeful that we can work through this. Our goal is not to just "get back" together, but to creat a new "real" relationship. One that has friendship, honesty, passion, and joy as the foundation. We keep working one day, one moment, at a time! We're getting closer I think.

God Bless You, and how is your sitch?

COG

[SuitedUp]

COG,

Thank you for the update. My sitch is doing fine. I still have my fingers crossed but we seem to have broken our hoodoo of getting p!ssed at each other every 2 to 3 months (over nothing), shutting down and hardly communicating for 3 weeks at a time.

I'm pleased to read that you are doing well and nearly up to 100% done on your 180's. 180's are a fantastic way of changing out ingrained and often undesirable behaviors.

I agree that from what you posted, your sitch is steadily improving albeit at a slow pace which is often the case in these situations. Besides, I'm sure that the patience and prayer that your sitch has bought on you will hold you in great stead for the rest of your life.

Before replying, I have read your other posts around the board and I will say a prayer quietly for your SIL. I'm a survivor of many years now, nothing a serious as your SIL but nevertheless fatal if it had gone to the next stage of speading.

Also too, I read your comments regarding the Lexus 'vs' VW thing. I believe that as our faith gets stronger, the more insidious are the attacks of the enemy. What you wrote sounded to me to be more than just jealaousy. I felt you came across as insecure of losing your W and in all honesty, why wouldn't you be.

I put this down to simply the enemy invading your thoughts. Being COGnizant of when the enemy attacks will enable you to recognize the lies and the truth is in the exact opposite of the invading thought. Once you can do this, the risk of thinking/saying the wrong thing totally disappears.

God bless you too COG.

Suit

[COG]

We keep getting better at it! Now I just have a small idea for you. Next time you feel one of your 3 month blow outs coming on, consider giving you W a little more space. Send her away for a weekend or take her away for a weekend. Also, I have been keeping track my W's menstral cycles. She's been cooperative with it. It just helps me realize there may be a reason for her attitude change that has nothing at all to do with me but with the way she is feeling.

God Bless,

COG