Welcome to the boards. You are among folks who understand and empathize. There are many kind people here with much hard earned wisdom; much of which will be counterintuitive at first.
First off, your post was not ridiculous. It takes some strength to reach out, to speak about the deep pain and horrible situation. A good step along the path of self healing, in my view.
It is clear you have done plenty of reading about MLC. Every MLCer is different, yet they do seem to follow a certain script. Ideas regarding timelines and timeframes for a crisis/stages are not accurate. Some folks do grow and exit their crisis, and others continue to run until the end of their days.
I’d place H still in replay. If there is another person around, the crisis individual is still running and mostly in replay. Certainly H exhibits moments of awakening and lucidity, and then gets dragged back into his torment and reaching out to his EA.
I am familiar with the site(s) you have likely read and researched. And those will confirm that oftentimes an emotional affair is more difficult to end or move from than a physical affair. A long distance relationship with very little (or no) meet ups, has a draw that is very much in the fantasy realm. All crisis “romances” exist within the fantasy realm, it’s just that the EA can have deeper hooks. H’s draw to an OW that treats him so poorly highlights how moths to a flame he is. And he is getting burnt.
It is interesting that H acknowledges his crisis, at times. During those more lucid moments. Peeking out of the tunnel as it is often referred too.
Originally Posted by Theia
He’s now been down in the guest room 2 weeks, 2 days. He hates it in the guest room. But knows my feelings about OW. And that he behaved appallingly! Maybe instead of taking the drastic step to move him I should have put boundaries in place, NO talking to OW in our bedroom.
Yes some boundaries are needed.
I agree moving H out of the bedroom if he is entangled with OW. Also his disrespectful and dismissive attitude toward you needs to be considered and addressed.
A live at home MLCer is a difficult thing. You have been at this for a long time, 3 1/2 years. Obviously you are standing.
Have you talked with H about the incident that brought about his consequences of living in the spare room?
I gather you would probably let him back into the bedroom. Be clear with your boundary and the enforcement that will occur if he violates it.
Originally Posted by Theia
Am I being smart by putting in this boundary or am I stupid? Should I let H know it’s ok to come back to our room with boundaries in place? Wait this out. Limerence can’t last forever can it? Work related calls & messages only from what I’ve seen. Should I support him deciding to move out? (This morning H spoke about maybe talking to his brother, moving to his brothers. H really dislikes his brother.) Should I just say nothing? Or should I follow his lead.
Boundaries are for you. To allow you space and breathing room to heal. That is a smart thing!
Limerence can last a long time.
Theia, my view is H (and you) has found an equilibrium and is stuck. He is having his cake and eating it too. He gets to live at home, have suppers, nice talks, (sex ?), and still talks to OW on the side.
You should not try to manipulate his path. I think you know you cannot, as H needs to traverse his path at his speed. However, you need to traverse your path! And that will influence H’s path.
If H wants to move out, let him. Not placing boulders in the way is all. You don’t make his decision to leave or stay.
“Should I follow his lead?” You should follow your lead.
Focus on you!
Detach. Let go.
H is almost 64. I missed reading how old you are. Do you still work? Have you spoken to a lawyer regarding separating? Not saying to separate, just knowing your options is all. And do not mention this to H! Do not tell him of your playbook.
Originally Posted by Theia
He has said he wants us to sell our house to our daughter, I stay here and he moves to his own small quiet empty flat/apartment while he gets his head sorted. Then maybe I can join him in the future.
No, no, no! Do not sell the house.
If H wants to leave, fine. However, your house is a joint asset. And you need a place to live. When H’s head is all sorted out he can come back to live with you. That is what I’d be responding back to him.
Originally Posted by Theia
I feel he’s wanting me to tell him what to do but I won’t do that, I won’t be blamed for kicking him out. If he leaves it’s his decision, he owns it.
Yes.
Good.
Follow that!
Originally Posted by Theia
I worry if he leaves that will be it, he’ll never return. Marriage over. But isn’t it over now anyway?
Leave or stay, matters not. H’s crisis will play out as it will. You cannot control the outcome. You can only control you - your thoughts, actions, and reactions. If your marriage is restored it is a bonus, the primary goal is you! You are the most important person in this equation.
Detach. Let go. Become, in the very best sense, fearless.
Breathe. It will be ok.
(((Hugs)))
I look forward to speaking with you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
