Pregnant, Abandoned Twice, Affairs OW (3)

[Valeska19]

Hi Everyone,
I feel it has been centuries ago since I last posted. I have been busier than usual with more and more visitors coming to see the baby in the last few weeks. Handling a baby and a toddler basically on my own has been challenging, but thankfully I think I am more prepared for it. I am lucky to be able to get some help when needed and thankful that there are so many different gadgets and devices out there to help with newborns these days (and to be able to afford it, I guess).

I'm glad you have support. It will help calm the fear and allow you to make the best decisions for YOU and the kids.

H has been very helpful. I am also so very grateful that he is there. He cooks, takes care of the children, cleans up and has been doing errands for me. He is however, still here. We had the conversation about co-parenting. I told him that I cannot think about our relationship as how it was and he was respectful of that.

Good job. Parenting has nothing to do with the relationship. We have a saying around here to "applaud the 1%". Continue to do that but stay grounded that him helping out isn't "special". This is what all responsible parents should do.

Recently, however he seems to be back to re-writing history; telling me that he didn't say that he wanted divorce because "everybody has a divorce, why can't I" and accusing that I took it wrongly that what he meant was that I should accept relationships can go through divorce. I am a bit worried about telling him to really move out of fear that he will get angry and I will have to be stuck to dealing with my children alone again. He has been sweet, and I am a little worried what to do if he is not around, especially as son is close to him. I know some friends have told me I just need to be rational, but I found myself walking on eggshells about relationship-related talks with him. I really don't know what his reactions would be.

I don't have kids but I do know what it's like to walk on eggshells. It's no way to live.

AK - you have no control over what H does. You constantly adjusting your feeling and communication out of way to "control" his behavior is a false safety net. If he wants to find a reason to leave...he will...

Yesterday I talked about there is not a lot of space in the apartment to sort of segue into the conversation of him moving out. H got upset saying he has done a lot of effort, he has been helpful, he has helped clear out stuff and he was hurt. I know I should have been more controlled and calm, but at that time I was completely hurt. How dare he even used the word 'hurt' when it was me who had to deal with the broken marriage, the cheating husband, pregnancy and abandoned toddler? I was the one who had to pick up the pieces and console my son when my H left because he kept asking where daddy was, and all of these had happened not once, but twice. I didn't say anything to H then, I just retreated to my room and stopped communicating to him for the night.

This is a good example. Sure he may be going through the motions of work.. but his heart is very much still a WAS. You did a great job walking away.

Anger is good. It is a warning signal to tell us something is wrong!

My question is, how do I bring it up again or how do I make him understand the gravity of what he has done without upsetting him but also without being a doormat?

This is out of your control. He's not ready to hear it yet. I would suggest letting the conversation go for now.