I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are among friends, some very kind folks with much hard earned wisdom who are happy to share and help.
Bomb drop was in October 2019. I realize that is three years ago. However, H is still running. If there is an affair partner present, they are still running.
I hear you that H is spending time with the dogs, after ignoring them for quite some time. MLCers do peek out of the tunnel and then dive back in. Dogs being the less hurt, and to him, less likely to make him feel bad for his actions, he would reach to them before others. This latest appears to be some movement is all, not an awakening or some such.
There is no magic bullet to awaken H. He is on his path and on his time, and you were not invited. His path and timeline has nothing to do with you. You didn’t break him, you cannot fix him.
Time and space. H needs both. Realize his path is an emotional one. He is running and deciding based on emotional pressures and drives. Any efforts from you, good intentioned as they be, will be further pressure to him and are likely to have a negative effect. At best your efforts would be neutral, mostly any efforts from the LBS prolongs the MLCer’s timeline.
Focus on you. Let go. Give him to God, or the universe, or fate, or whatever your personal belief is.
H is dropping clues and hints that he wants back in. And then he goes and gets mad again. You are seeing his mixed up world, his mixed up emotions. As a MLCer cyclically rises out of their immersive replay and running behaviours, they feel and often exhibit both “lives”. They have such pressures and conflicts within them; and they get angry and confused and lash out; and they get dragged back down and run again.
These peeks out of the tunnel are somewhat cyclic for a boomerang type MLCer. My XW is a vanisher and her peeks are much more hidden.
Once the crisis individual puts away their replay toys and ceases their running, they enter depression. Coming face to face with all they have done. Deep and dark depression. Plenty of crisis folk never face this and run til the end of their days.
For the few that face their darkness; withdrawal is a deeper depression and doorway to acceptance. Seeing all the damage to self and others; and formulating and acknowledging their responsibility in how to make amends. Withdrawal is a time of deep self reflection, when they will pull into themselves, like a chrysalis. They emerge better and begin the path of acceptance and finding peace within their own skin. For the successful, this doorway, from withdrawal to acceptance, closes as they pass through, putting replay forever behind them.
Samoy, this is a good space to vent and post and ask questions. I’m glad you got some of this out and in the open.
You mentioned mediation and trials. How far along the process are you? I suspect you have a L. Right? Ages of you and H? How long married?
Hope you have a peaceful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
