First Off,,, thank you DnJ and OwnIt for responding to my last post. I attempted to reply - twice - and both times my reply just disappeared into thin air. I didn’t have it in me to try a third time thanks to the arrival of back spasms for a week followed by Covid for almost 2 weeks. Your responses were food for thought and I appreciated your comments.

An interesting update. It’s a long post, hopefully not too long. Over the last 5 years I think I’ve mastered how to be a ‘maybe’ standing LBS. The first 6 months maybe not so much (when I didn’t know any better) but after that I stuck to the LBS handbook fairly closely. He always initiated contact and I never did unless it was impossible not to. There were very few times during the 5 years since BD that I initiated contact and then I kept it very brief. When we did talk or come face to face for any reason I was calm and pleasant. I had zero expectations. No relationship talks and I asked no questions about the OW. He was a clinging boomerang for years 1 & 2, then barely a boomerang for years 3, 4, and 1/2 of year 5, then last 6 months of year 5 he is back to a clinging boomerang. Over the years his contact has varied anywhere from everyday to barely once a month or so. I believed and accepted that he was gone for good and just got on with living my life and learned to enjoy it as well. I was busy enough that I thought about him less and less over time. I felt free from those darn obsessive thoughts that plagued me for years. I cared less and less that he was still with his sleezy OW.

My husbands OW lives a 4 hr plane trip away. Too far to drive so he flew to visit her every few weeks. Twice he flew her out here to visit and they would vacation on this side of the country. It was a hot, passionate addictive mutually Limerant relationship but a very turbulent one. Lots of fights, breakups that lasted for days to a week. Many fights were about me and his endless stalling to divorce me, despite his promises to her that he would. It may have been because he became such a procrastinator about doing so many things but I also have a hunch he didn’t really want to end our marriage for emotional reasons. He said many little things over the years that supported my theory. I wasn’t looking for clues either but found a lot of his comments very odd if he had truly moved on.

Then Covid arrives on the planet and then the covid vaccine soon after. The OW is an extreme anti-vaxxer and is deep into conspiracy theories about vaccines. She refused to be vaccinated and further refuses to be within a mile of anyone who has had a vaccine because she believes they will shed vaccine cells on her and make her deathly ill. So my DH also became an anti-vaxxer and got deep into conspiracy theories as well. Then our country shut down travel for unvaccinated people. They could not board a plane, train, or bus without showing proof of vaccination. Tough for DH and OW to see each other and they haven’t now for almost 8 months although my adult D says they still talk on the phone.

When covid restrictions were removed I figured he would be booking a flight to see her but my D says he has no plans to go to see her. I found that hard to believe and put it down to a real inability to go because of a few things - a cousin and his family coming here to see him, and the recent purchase of an investment property that left him with lots to do after possession which coincided with the removal of travel restrictions. But D says he just doesn’t want to go. OW is a leech who enjoyed having a man pay for absolutely everything they did that cost money. D says he now has goals that are incompatible with resuming that relationship. D also noted that he has gradually but noticeably improved these last 8 months. Calmer, conspiracy theories are barely mentioned, he is far less angry with her and other family members, and she says he is just different now. At the same time she was noticing that he is much better, I noticed a dramatic increase in his positive contact with me. He is relaxed, friendly, chatty, and has invited me out 3 times recently - twice for dinner and once for a casual pub night. He asked for my help with documents related to his investments and then way over paid me for my help. I didn’t expect anything and was quite happy to help him for nothing. But he knew I had a big house upgrade bill and wanted to help me with that. Wow, I tried to refuse but he went ahead a did a direct deposit to my account. Then when all was said and done he wanted to go for dinner on an outdoor patio. He had already overpaid me for the work I did so I tried to pay my share of the bill but he flat out refused. This is the second dinner in a few weeks, the first being at a restaurant with a romantic date atmosphere. It was expensive and he wouldn’t take anything from me then either.

Then the pub night - it followed a quick meeting about the documents and was a last minute “are you hungry - want to go for wings and beer?” I didn’t really as I was unusually tired and just wanted to go home to sleep but I went anyway. I enjoyed it despite being tired - he was so much like his old self, chatty, relaxed, friendly, held eye contact. Same with the dinners. I wondered about his friendliness in the beginning but brushed it off as he was simply grateful that I assisted him with his investment. But then it continued and still continues. He has contacted me almost every day now for over a month. I can’t help wonder if he isn’t beginning to emerge from Replay, or at least from the thicker fog within replay. We have talked more in the last month than in the last 3 years. All initiated by him. There is no hint of romantic interest from him and I’m not hinting that either. However I have often thought I’d like a chance to restore things if it ever came to that but I never expected it would. Now I don’t know if I want that anymore - I like my life the way it is now although I do miss the comfort and closeness we had within our marriage. And I also don’t know if it did come to that how to proceed. I’m so used to practicing the 180 but obviously that has to go if anything is to progress. When do I begin to initiate anything without sending him running for the hills? Or is it still too early for any of that and should I still leave initiating to him? When he asked the last time if I wanted to go somewhere for dinner, I said sure but alternatively suggested we could bbq at my place instead and he said ‘no, let’s go out. I’d like to go out.’. No problem but I offered to do the bbq another night which he readily agreed to. But I haven’t arranged anything yet.

I’m still holding back on initiating and maybe because I’m not convinced it’s all over with him and the OW. I just learned his work partner started 5 weeks vacation at the same time the vaccine requirement to fly was removed and isn’t due back to work until early August. He can’t take time off from work until he gets back. So if it wasn’t for that would he have been out to see her already? And will he go in Aug when he can take time off? It’s a big milestone birthday for her then too so I can’t imagine him not going to see her. And if he does will this once powerful Limerant relationship fire up again? I suspect so. The absence has given him a breather and time to step back and reevaluate but I don’t think he’s smart enough to realize the danger of getting sucked right back into it, the minute they spend time together. He will probably go because she will ask and expect him to since it’s her birthday and he, being a nice guy, will comply. I’m that sure it will go this way that I’ll bet money on it. Going back 3 years into their relationship they had to take a 2 month break in visits when covid first hit and it was downright dangerous to get on a plane. In those two months he was able to step back and see her in a very different light. He told his D that she is a sociopath, that has zero empathy or compassion for anyone. Then D told me that OW often verbally attacks him and said you wouldn’t believe the things she says to him. She was sure it would fizzle then but of course he went back after the 2 months break and things went right back to the crazy intensity for another 18 months. I do wonder if he has truly changed or if he will slip right back into the fog once he sees her again. I’m ready for that if it happens. I’ll just continue with my own life as I have been and just chalk this recent reconnection to a temporary thing,,, and soon too end.

Or,,,,, is there something I can do to make a difference in how this plays out? Is he ripe for reconnection or just killing time until they can resume things. When do I switch from years of practicing the 180 to an approach that might encourage him to keep moving in my direction? I really have no clue how to proceed from here.

Worth noting, maybe, is that he has seen a therapist several times this year. About what - no idea but it does coincide with his recent improvement.