Running out of steam!

[COG]

Tim,

Thanks for your response. I've read a stack of books, Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough", Smalley's "Save Your Marriage Before It's Too Late", Michele's "Divorce Remedy", "The Purpose Driven Life", The Bible to name a few. My W has read a book on dealing with kids during divorce, and one on spiritual matters. She has done a four week bible study. She's not much on studying and researching. I have gone on several Christian mens retreat weekends, and gone through the 13 week "Divorce Care" support group program.

We have gone through the Retrouvaille program for marriage reconciliation. We did counseling together for a short time, and individually (same counselor) for almost three years. We both burned out on counseling about six months ago.

We have been separated for two years, four kids ages 6-11. We have tried dating but she is not comfortable with anything beyond friendship.

We go on vacations, weekend trips, etc. together as a family and have very fun times, but we have not gone on a weekend alone together for over three years. I have asked many times but she has not accepted.

Last year we went to Disney World as a family. At the request of our counselor we got adjoining rooms, kids in one, us in the other. We slept together and cuddled four nights. We were sexual one night. She seemed comfortable with it until we got home and she said the sex was great but it was uncomfortable for her because the feelings were'nt there. She has'nt wanted to try anything except just waiting for her feelings to change since then. She has lots of enthusiasm for kids, friends, her house, strangers, just about anything but the M.

Started DBing about two months ago. I have done 180's on calling her, telling her ILY, crying, begging and bringing up the R. It helped our friendship immensely. We are both very busy and tired right now. For 4 years now I have been ready and willing to do whatever it takes to make our M work. I was not the perfect H but I was willing to take stock and change from the moment she told me she was'nt happy. It seems like it was too little to late. Once her love died it was dead for good. No matter what I've done her feelings just don't seem to come.

She does'nt beleive the "love is a decision" theory. She wants the feelings to be there first, before she moves forward. No matter how many studies have been done she just will not beleive it. She claims she has tried it and it has'nt worked. Oh, did I mention that she is very stubborn and will defend her position to the bitter end. I already know how to handle that. I just agree with most of her observations about how uncomfortable and feelingless our M was and is. The more I agree, the less she defends her position. This from a person who regularly praised me as being the greatest husband. She used to be so thankful that she had me to share life with. She had me on a pedistal.

Our friendship has improved dramatically, especially during the past few months since DBing. She is comfortable allowing me to touch her gently, kiss her cheek, and hugs are great. That is a great improvement over two years ago. I am happy we have made such progress but I am tired of being so low on her list of priorities. I have asked and asked to be given higher billing but she just can't seem to come through. There are too many other things in her life that are more important.

I am normally very positive and upbeat but today I feel very run down by all this. I can't seem to get through to her. Unfortunately it will probably take a D, and further chaos for her to realize the opportunity she is passing up.

This really sucks! I am a decent Christian, involved father, successful businessman, healthy body, outgoing, fun loving, responsible guy. This has been a nightmare but I have grown and matured through it all. I am a much better human being for it. I have learned to be supportive, humble, patient, and serving. I want to hold on, but I am tired of rejection. I want a D but I don't look forward to that life either. My kids are doing great but they feel torn and don't want us to D. We've been separated for a long time but they still hope we will be back together. Last week I felt like I could hang on a long time, today I am tired and doubtful. Help! I've fallen and I can't get up.

More Venting,

COG