I was introduced as a single mom by my colleague. It was a little jarring, especially as so many of them were recently married or had young families. I'm sure all of you know the feeling: seeing everyone else have a happy family unit, cutesy family photos, hearing about family activities/vacations as you're stuck as a single parent without a partner.
When someone introduces me as a single parent, I feel like a badass--I'm one of the few dads who raised their kids, volunteered at school, and went on family vacations without help since my ex was incapable. Since the obstacle in this scenario are your feelings, I'd say Time and Therapy. Many people are resistant to Therapy, but it cuts on the Time that you'll feel this way. I'm 12 years post-divorce--you can have that happy family unit, cutesy family photos, and family activities! You just have to accept it will look different than you imagined since your ex turned out to be a bad apple. So instead of a bad apple bringing with you to all those places, it's going to be you and your child, or you and your BFF and both your kids, or you and a BF and both your kids. Wishing you a happy day.
Thank you!! And I've been in therapy - ex had told me I needed it, a job like mine is difficult in many ways, and it's been helpful. Appreciate the bad apple comparison. You're not wrong! Self blame keeps popping in though and keeps making me think I'm the bad apple and spoiled him who used to be.a great guy. But even if I was somehow the absolute worst spouse in the entire world it still doesn't excuse the things he would say or do or his approach to being a father.
Originally Posted by toughtimes180
I take inspiration from Traveler. I'm in the process of defining my new family and, like Traveler, feel proud that I'm newly "categorised" as a single Dad. I'm in the middle of an overseas trip with 2/3 of my kids, and it's totally awesome. Awesome because it's uninterrupted time with my older kids. Awesome because it's just me, no interreference, negotiating, or arguing. Awesome because conflict is very low. And yeah, it's different in how memories are formed, but they are great memories. Best of all, I only have to see my Bad Apple 15 minutes a day on Skype (Actually, it's to see my D1, I don't really talk to the Bad Apple .
I know the feeling, Newborn, wishing I could share my time with someone close. But therapy helps to understand the benefit of learning to spend time alone, and that waiting for the right person is more important then jumping too soon for the sake of not being alone. It's a different frame of mind. When I start to feel alone, I just remind myself I've been given a gift. A gift to reshape my relationship with my family, a gift to eventually someone who will be more fulfilling then ever before.
Hang in there, it does get better.
Thank you so much tough times. It's so nice to hear that you're having such a great vacation. You deserve it. I've always been pretty okay being alone in the past, I don't know why suddenly it feels so difficult to be. But I also acknowledge I don't want another relationship yet! Feels so weird. My bad Apple generally likes spending time with us and will stay for dinner and send me funny pictures or videos. Weird how much a person who says they don't want to spend time with you seems to like messaging you or spending time with you?!
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Newborn, I gave up worrying about how people describe me a long time ago. Completely out of my control, and it doesn't really matter in the big scheme of things. Anyone that bases how they view me based off of how someone else describes me isn't really worth my time and energy. Those that base how they view me based on my own words and actions are worthy my time and energy.
Likewise, I do not let what others say or how other describe someone as my basis for how I view that person. Lots of biases out there, and biases are almost never worthy of credence. I dated a girl from Brazil back in my early 20s. She was an awesome person, and the only reason we didn't stay together was that neither of us was willing to relocate to the others' home country permanently. I found out later that people actually asked my parents how they felt about my dating her. SMH We live in an ugly world. Just do you and forget about the minutiae!
You're so right. And I've been careful to surround myself with much better energy recently!
.
