This is a diary entry/journal for friends I keep and thought I'd share here. Written a few weeks ago. I actually think we're going to make it out of this together...
The seeds of the bomb drop took root April 2015 when I had to be admitted to hospital and I needed care and mlc felt trapped.
So here we are... Just over 5 years past the bomb drop with unexplained abdominal pain, testing, no explanation. Last night, suddenly, I collapsed with nausea... A red flag my doctor warned me to mean I needed to immediately present to emerg for fear of burst appendix. I didn't want to go emerg and I knew I "should".
As I struggled with the decision, mlc packed a bag for me. Food. Diet cokes. Warm socks. The laptop with new games he thought I'd like. Said he would go with me, if I needed him to, but he was nervous about leaving d16 k (who has had a rough time.mental health wise in the pandemic and yes mlc stepped the [censored] up) alone... We're not on red alert anymore, but I'm not ready to leave her alone either.
"I'll go in the morning," I said. Regretting missing work, especially now with a new boss who I worry doesn't like me.
I sniffled and let a couple of tears escape... The body memory of what the last need for hospital triggered. Stuff that was already rumbling and yet I had no idea.
"That's where it began," I cried.
He nodded. He didn't defend or push back or shoulders up. He nodded. Let it sink in.
"Yeah. And we are in such a better place now." He said.
I responded, "I believe you'd come and you would barely resent it at all."
He laughed.
I went to the kitchen to feeling-eat a bowl of chips.
As I stood up, he said, " I'm going to start an episode of the Black list at 9:40 even though I'm exhausted. That's how much I love you."
I stopped. Mid step. He hadn't said that explicitly in 5 years. I looked at him... Probably questioning eyebrows and panic and hope and terror all bundled into one flash of emotion across my face.
"Yeah. I said that. That's what I said. And no we can't talk about it and I need you to pretend you didn't hear it for a bit but I definitely said it."
So I laughed. And stress ate. And he turned on the TV and I promptly fell asleep in his lap.
And I need to forgive myself. I wanted this hope so desperately, and now that I have it, I berate myself for staying and accepting these crumbs. If I'd left, I would have berated myself for not trying harder.
I think we're going to come out of this loving deeper. I remind myself this was always our path, from the moment we met and our oppositional traumas locked into one another. We always faced this struggle. I've never regretted falling in love with him.
I affirm my own values of deeply committing to humans, all of us so fundamentally flawed.
A few weeks until 25 years of marriage. Wild, isn't it?
There is a bottle of cider in the basement. The last bottle of the batch we were given as a wedding present by his parents. I remember it being delicious.
We plan to take a weekend somewhere and drink that cider... Or open it anyway. See how much it's changed in 25 years. Will it be terribly soured and ruined or simply changed, as we have?
I arrived here some 6 years ago and found the MLC forums and it was describing everything I was experiencing. I read the new people news, and I thought 5 to 7 years for my husband to return to human status. That's too long. We'll be faster. I got this.
I've thought we were piecing before, and I got myself smashed in the face with the shards of broken hope when he got overwhelmed, hit me in the jugular, shut down and asked me how many times he was going to have to tell me he was done with this marriage.
But he never moved out.
Two days ago, he brought me out with him to a rock cliff to show me how to rappel down the face of it. He turns rock cliffs into useable climbs for rock climbers. He's taken leadership role in the local rock climbing community. Even made the news for his efforts to make sure new outdoor climbers, a surging population, in the pandemic didn't injure themselves and could find mentors. He invited me to come scrub rock (take the moss and growth off so it can be climbed), so I could see what the work entailed. As we drove the hour to the cliff, he told me his plan to support me and help me manage the inevitable fear of a trusting a rope go lower myself over a cliff. Earlier memories, from way before the bomb drop, bubbled up as I remembered him drilling me to improve my scuba skills and his lack of care left me with a serious ear injury. The difference between his thoughtfulness back then as mylo ing husband and now, as my MLC spouse who has done actually incredible growth worth... I started crying and trying to breathe to come.back to center. I stiffen and I know he knows.
"Crap!". I thought. "I'm having BIG FEELINGS. Surefire was to ruin the day. Stop it, stop if, stop it.". Year of trying to be the reformed Lbs spouse screaming at me internally that this is against the rules. I'm way more terrified of his shut down reaction to my big feelings than I am at rock cliff.
Almost caught my breath, he says, "you know why I haven't gotten to the (various house chores post a recent renovation). It's because I'm getting all our scuba gear organized so we can go diving."
My favorite thing. The thing I also associate with the best years of our marriage.
So I lose the battle with hiding my emotions and I just sob. Bent over my lap in the car and sob.
I also feel the fear.. that fear of letting my guard down. And I feel so much empathy for him too. This is my fear of fully rekindling our relationship, and he's so much more afraid than me.
I put my hand on his shoulder, intending to reassure him and he seems to wiggle out from it.
"Was that a wiggle away?". "I'm driving and I'm trying to manage my own emotions." "It's okay. I just need to know what it is, so I can respond appropriately."
We sleep together two nights a week. There is hugging and I can now touch him affectionately without freaking out. There has been no kissing, nothing like that. He makes statements now about being committed to coming back and part of me knows we are still years away and wishes I'd left. Friends have gotten divorced and remarried in these years.
Most of me is glad. He is truly actually deeply a better, more loving human than I married. I'm so proud of him and of us.
But 6 years in. I couldn't counsel new folks that it's worth it.
I'm a therapist and a great one, and I couldn't speed this along. There are no shortcuts.
Things are good. My MLC is a better man than I married. I remember reading about that possibility, and I held on to that hope during.the very bad times. And, while it might be like winning the lottery, turns out it's also true.
He has grown so much, and so have I. We are slowly, so slowly,.piecing this marriage back together. What's different is that i believe.it... I believe that we will keep going on this same direction and that we will continue to have increasing emotional and physical intimacy and relational security.
I followed the plan.
I did my work.
It was so hard.
And now I have to work on forgiving myself.for tolerating the abuse. One step at a time.
Being an LBS is tender. Being an LBS in repair is even more so.
Ten Years Later: The Long Road of MLC and the Beauty of a Repaired Marriage
It's been a long time. The first time I posted here, the pain of my husband's midlife crisis (MLC) was a raw, open wound. I was desperately seeking stories of hope, of couples who made it through the fire, and of the promise that the "baking" process, as Michelle Weiner's Divorce Busting and this forum call it, really did lead to something better.
Well, ten years on, and I'm popping in to update my story. And the truth is, I still don't have all the answers. My husband is, as we say, still in the oven. But he's a much better human than he was, and our marriage is richer, deeper, and more intimate than I ever imagined possible.
The Long and Winding Road
The journey was anything but a straight line. I often reflect on the early years, when we were locked in a pattern of anxious-avoidant attachment. I would chase, he would run. I was in a state of desperation and need, and he was completely detached, trying to escape a life he claimed to have never wanted. Said he never loved me, that I trapped him.
But as I look back, I see the seeds of our current connection in those difficult days. And when he lambasted me with my nonsense and I took deep breaths and validated him instead of defending, he kept talking…. Nonsense that it was but with seeds of truth always.
A key concept from the MLC forums that I held onto was the idea of not giving the MLC spouse any reason to be angry with you. It was incredibly difficult to practice, but it was also incredibly freeing. By removing myself as the source of his misery, he was forced to confront the true source: himself. It was a painful realization for him, but it was a crucial step on his journey toward healing. I remember so many moments where I witnessed his ahas…. And, all the time, I had to be his therapist without asking for the same emotional care in return (and I'm actually a therapist so I knew how to do that).
Another piece of advice that saved me was to "go live your best life." In the midst of the chaos, I focused on my own growth and happiness. I reconnected with friends, rediscovered old hobbies, and even joined a roller derby league. These were not just distractions; they were a lifeline. They reminded me that my worth was not tied to his actions or our marriage. Our marriage crumbling had no more to do with me than him and I was determined to out last it.
A Lighthouse of Growth
I did my work. I became a lighthouse of growth, a beacon of stability in the storm. I learned to love myself my more genuinely, to understand my own needs, and to accept that my worth was my own. This was a concept I had to learn on my own, as no one else could give it to me. And eventually, he did his work too. The man who once seemed to have no self-awareness now shocks me with his ability to respond with empathy and repair moments of conflict. The "old guy" still shows up sometimes, but it's 10% of the time now, not 80%. He sleeps beside me, tells me he loves me, and we have a deep intimacy that was not there in our before MLC marriage.
He has never offered a meaningful apology for the "bomb drop" days, those terrible early moments of MLC. He doesn't even remember them clearly. But he has shown accountability in other ways. He follows through on his promises, and I see the love and appreciation in his eyes. I think he still holds tremendous shame for that time and, if he ever manages to forgive himself, I might get more. But I have to accept I may never even though I still want it.
The Big Picture
I've often wondered if I should have left. If I had, I might be deeply in love with someone new. But there is a beauty in this journey, in the growth that we've both experienced. We have come to understand why we fit together, why we were destined for this journey from the moment we met. We chose each other and we chose the MLC-LBS journey at the same moment.
And we have forgiven each other—he for having no other way to cope, and me for not knowing then what I know now about the way he still struggles to claim his own needs and I have to make way more space for him to do so.
We have children who don't have to live in separate homes, and we have a shared history that has been transformed by our journey. I don't know if I would stay if I could go back and do it all over again, but I do know that this is a journey we were always meant to be on. If I hadn't found this guy, I would have just married another future MLC’er.
To those of you who are just starting out on this difficult path, know this: It will get better. You will grow. It will hurt, and you will hate it, but you will be okay. Love yourself as deeply as you can, because your self-worth is your own.
So, to my past self, and to all of you out there, I would say this: "Leave or stay, but it will be fine either way. It's going to be rough, but you are going to grow. Your self-worth does not depend on this MLC. Your needs matter, and you better get to tending to them and to building your own sanctuary. It's not fair and you can do this. You're stronger than you know.”
Best of luck, friends. I might pop in again in a couple of years.
Last edited by DnJ; 2 hours ago. Reason: Fixed a typo.
Thank you for the update! This forum needs more success stories!