Case in point Mach we have a walk away on here who said his D was what was best for him and his kids. I asked him if he ever asked his kids if his D was best for them. He called me a bully and than blocked me.
OMG...I am sooo sorry that you had to deal with that.....
As far as these boards. Mach nailed it. There was a time you came here and got nothing but the truth. But that truth was meant to help push you along and not keep you stuck and really dig deep. The turn these boards made is not that it is harsh. It’s that it’s mostly validation centered and the tough love truth isn’t welcomed anymore.
Some comments I've received or witnessed have born far more resemblance to personal attacks than validation or loving attempts to tell tough "truths" (opinions). Setting aside those who are mean-spirited, I think on the Internet some are quicker to assume they know TheTruth and BeBlunt than they'd be with an acquaintance recounting a tough time in-person. That's maybe par for the Internet, but it's not "tough love". Tough love requires compassion. "Would I assume and say this in-person?" My $0.02 for those trying to help others. I get those who have given up on these forums. I miss AnotherStander; he gave me and others the most amazing advice in Newcomers. I'm still here, doing what I can to help the occasional Newcomers.
I can certainly say that I don't agree with you, but hey, whatever....
You are certainly entitled to your opinion...
Just so ya know....I have looked G in the eyes and told her the same things that I would post to her...
I would do that with any person that sits with me and asks me what I think. I owe that to them.
It is their choice what they do with that information. I have seen people grow and learn from it...and I have seen people that take their toys from the sandbox and go home....
The ones that have chosen to "hear" it, are some of the most amazing, self aware, genuine people that I have had the pleasure of calling a friend...
"The truth" , I personally would rather have 3 people telling me what they saw in my situation , be it harsh, be it truthful, be it hard to hear.....than I would to have 50 people giving me a participation trophy, and patting me on the back and saying "It's okay, I'm sorry".....
I have nothing to learn from, when I get the ribbon for just showing up...
One of the beautiful things from CHOOSING to post here, is that we take what we need, and discard the rest.
We look closely at the things that shoot those little stings up the back of our neck, because those are the things that typically, we do not like about our self.
If it stings ? You better look at it...
Compassion is as varied as the interpreter perceives it. Compassion to me means something different than it does to you if I am reading you correctly.
Compassion to me means that people care enough about what I am going through, or what they see in me, to help me through something. I get to choose how, and why that affects me, but their intentions are good, and pure.
Compassion is caring enough to be involved, and trying to make a difference....
Being involved, had always been the foundation that these boards were built on....
Compassion and truth were the bricks and mortar...
And of course. there was occasionally a sandbox, void of its toys, in the backyard....
Yeah now the board consists of people posting their chores and wanting attaboys from everyone.
Well, I have been living inside of a pressure cooker lately. Work has been awful. Luckily today is my last day before I have 5 off. I need it before I lose my cool at work, lol. Everyone knows I rarely ever lose my cool . But im getting there , so this is coming at a good time.
I don’t know who remembers the poison Ivy debacle of 2020, but basically I have a very odd reaction to poison Ivy. And quite the awful reaction. I will get some on my arm, obvious poison Ivy. A week after that, my body starts breaking out into a rash which is bumpy blisters. It slowly keep popping up on various body parts. The last time it was in my groin and I wanted to die. Guess what. It happened again. Luckily it has not entered my nether regions. It’s on my right forearm, right thigh and right trunk. And a little on my left thigh. I’m freaking out and I am really trying to stop it from spreading more. It’s just the strangest reaction. And it’s ugly and miserably itchy. So that isn’t helping right now.
Then I completed the 28 day intro package at my gym. When I signed up, I said to the owner, I need to know there are reasonable prices after I finish because I don’t want to start something , love it and not financially be able to continue. Well, the trainer I usually work with went over the packages with me ( my into is over) last class and I almost died. I looked him dead inside the eye and said “ these are the affordable packages he said there were ? Affordable to to whose who make 200k a year maybe!” I said I would have to think about . I’m am so sad, because this is the ONE THING that is staving off a full on nervous breakdown. The one thing I enjoy so much. The one thing that I look forward too. I am probably going to take the minimal package ( which is still an arm and a leg and only offers my favorite class once a week)
I was offered a position at my second job every 4 th Sunday. It’s a 10 hour position as ED car manager. I didn’t really want it. But I figure I can take it and it will more than pay for the gym membership. It’s only once a month.
My dad and I got in a tiff yesterday. And it upset my daughter. She knows I’ve been tense lately and I think she is finally seeing all I keep together and do to make this life a good one. I was looking forward to go to my dads Sunday to Monday to bike and beach . He has a problem with his car trunk so he cancelled on me. I said “I’m coming to you, why dows it matter if they trunk is getting fixed?” He gets mad at me, he says he has too much to do and it’s not always about me and I he does everything for me and just keeps going on. I got mad and hung up the phone. Honestly, o can’t remember the last time something was about ME. And when he says he does everything for me, I almost died. I do everything for me ! Nobody else does for me! He paid for somethings to get done in my house. Because he wanted to. Not because I asked. Whenever I spend time with them they are always complaining about their family and friends and judging the crap out of them. They are 2 single retired people ( both who retired in their 50’s) and have money and live quite the dreamy life. Which is fine. But they pass a lot of judgement on those who don’t make the decisions they do. They are the only ones who ever do anything right . Anyways, D was upset I was upset and texted him “I hate when my mom cries) well, my dad hates my daughter being upset with him. He texts me “ so now my granddaughter is mad at me ?” I texted back no. He texts to me and my daighter “ I’m sorry, please come Sunday” I did t response for a bit and he says “pleeeeeeaze” I know he only apologized because he doesn’t want my daughter to be mad at him.
It’s so obvious the reason why I depend on no one and I am overly independent . I don’t trust anyone to “take care of me “ or do anything from the goodness of their heart. My dad has been telling me I can come anytime k was, especially during the week . One time and he cancels and then tells me I only think of myself . Why would I ever trust anyone ? This man is convinced he does everything for me. I ask for absolutely nothing at all. Ever. Just to come by on my few days off. He has no clue what I’ve been going through. And I never share with him because he automatically invalidates my feelings. So when he asks how I am doing , I say “fine”
Thanks for listening to the ramble of yiu made it through. D is going to her dads today and leaving for her family vacation tomorrow . Family as In her dad and her stepmothers family. They are staying in a beautiful air bnb in PR she showed me. We packed together last night. She said she will text every day and call 3 times and take me on a FaceTime tour of the place. She said to me again last night “ I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am you and dad get along so well. Most divorced parents hate eachother” I did explain not many have been divorced as long as we have been and it’s still kind of raw and painful for other parents. But me and your dad have a common goal and that is to raise you happy and healthy” and she gave me a hug. She’s a solid kiddo . I did a decent job there. Im going to miss her when she goes to college . We are actually like buddies . This is the age they drift, but likes to spend time with me and talk with me and I’m so grateful for that. .
Oh, In the dating front. I have a date tomorrow . I signed back onto bumble ( I didn’t say I quit it, so don’t go jumping down my throat you know who). As far as the other guy goes, we had a candid convo. He doesn’t want a relationship . I can’t explain, but he is a sweetheart but says things that would sound dicky coming from anyone else. He apologized for acting more like a friend. He told me he is kn a place in his life where he doesn’t want to tell someone what they are doing on a Saturday or “check in” he says I’m great, we have a great connection and a fun time together and doesn’t want to lose that either. Basically he wants his cake and to eat it too. Well, he went on vacay with the kids and we were going to talk when he gets back. I don’t reach out to him and they guy who doesn’t want to check in is sending me pics from his vacation. Predictable sometimes Way too long. But a healthy journal for me. Off to get this Friday over with
Well, I have been living inside of a pressure cooker lately. Work has been awful. Luckily today is my last day before I have 5 off. I need it before I lose my cool at work, lol. Everyone knows I rarely ever lose my cool . But im getting there , so this is coming at a good time.
I don’t know who remembers the poison Ivy debacle of 2020, but basically I have a very odd reaction to poison Ivy. And quite the awful reaction. I will get some on my arm, obvious poison Ivy. A week after that, my body starts breaking out into a rash which is bumpy blisters. It slowly keep popping up on various body parts. The last time it was in my groin and I wanted to die. Guess what. It happened again. Luckily it has not entered my nether regions. It’s on my right forearm, right thigh and right trunk. And a little on my left thigh. I’m freaking out and I am really trying to stop it from spreading more. It’s just the strangest reaction. And it’s ugly and miserably itchy. So that isn’t helping right now.
Then I completed the 28 day intro package at my gym. When I signed up, I said to the owner, I need to know there are reasonable prices after I finish because I don’t want to start something , love it and not financially be able to continue. Well, the trainer I usually work with went over the packages with me ( my into is over) last class and I almost died. I looked him dead inside the eye and said “ these are the affordable packages he said there were ? Affordable to to whose who make 200k a year maybe!” I said I would have to think about . I’m am so sad, because this is the ONE THING that is staving off a full on nervous breakdown. The one thing I enjoy so much. The one thing that I look forward too. I am probably going to take the minimal package ( which is still an arm and a leg and only offers my favorite class once a week)
I was offered a position at my second job every 4 th Sunday. It’s a 10 hour position as ED car manager. I didn’t really want it. But I figure I can take it and it will more than pay for the gym membership. It’s only once a month.
My dad and I got in a tiff yesterday. And it upset my daughter. She knows I’ve been tense lately and I think she is finally seeing all I keep together and do to make this life a good one. I was looking forward to go to my dads Sunday to Monday to bike and beach . He has a problem with his car trunk so he cancelled on me. I said “I’m coming to you, why dows it matter if they trunk is getting fixed?” He gets mad at me, he says he has too much to do and it’s not always about me and I he does everything for me and just keeps going on. I got mad and hung up the phone. Honestly, o can’t remember the last time something was about ME. And when he says he does everything for me, I almost died. I do everything for me ! Nobody else does for me! He paid for somethings to get done in my house. Because he wanted to. Not because I asked. Whenever I spend time with them they are always complaining about their family and friends and judging the crap out of them. They are 2 single retired people ( both who retired in their 50’s) and have money and live quite the dreamy life. Which is fine. But they pass a lot of judgement on those who don’t make the decisions they do. They are the only ones who ever do anything right . Anyways, D was upset I was upset and texted him “I hate when my mom cries) well, my dad hates my daughter being upset with him. He texts me “ so now my granddaughter is mad at me ?” I texted back no. He texts to me and my daighter “ I’m sorry, please come Sunday” I did t response for a bit and he says “pleeeeeeaze” I know he only apologized because he doesn’t want my daughter to be mad at him.
It’s so obvious the reason why I depend on no one and I am overly independent . I don’t trust anyone to “take care of me “ or do anything from the goodness of their heart. My dad has been telling me I can come anytime k was, especially during the week . One time and he cancels and then tells me I only think of myself . Why would I ever trust anyone ? This man is convinced he does everything for me. I ask for absolutely nothing at all. Ever. Just to come by on my few days off. He has no clue what I’ve been going through. And I never share with him because he automatically invalidates my feelings. So when he asks how I am doing , I say “fine”
Thanks for listening to the ramble of yiu made it through. D is going to her dads today and leaving for her family vacation tomorrow . Family as In her dad and her stepmothers family. They are staying in a beautiful air bnb in PR she showed me. We packed together last night. She said she will text every day and call 3 times and take me on a FaceTime tour of the place. She said to me again last night “ I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am you and dad get along so well. Most divorced parents hate eachother” I did explain not many have been divorced as long as we have been and it’s still kind of raw and painful for other parents. But me and your dad have a common goal and that is to raise you happy and healthy” and she gave me a hug. She’s a solid kiddo . I did a decent job there. Im going to miss her when she goes to college . We are actually like buddies . This is the age they drift, but likes to spend time with me and talk with me and I’m so grateful for that. .
Oh, In the dating front. I have a date tomorrow . I signed back onto bumble ( I didn’t say I quit it, so don’t go jumping down my throat you know who). As far as the other guy goes, we had a candid convo. He doesn’t want a relationship . I can’t explain, but he is a sweetheart but says things that would sound dicky coming from anyone else. He apologized for acting more like a friend. He told me he is kn a place in his life where he doesn’t want to tell someone what they are doing on a Saturday or “check in” he says I’m great, we have a great connection and a fun time together and doesn’t want to lose that either. Basically he wants his cake and to eat it too. Well, he went on vacay with the kids and we were going to talk when he gets back. I don’t reach out to him and they guy who doesn’t want to check in is sending me pics from his vacation. Predictable sometimes Way too long. But a healthy journal for me. Off to get this Friday over with
Sometimes G......
You put way too much pressure on yourself....
Give Baby G a hug from me. She really is a great kiddo....
G - I just want to validate, no, your dad isn’t what one might hope for from a father. It’s sad, but you just have to accept that he’s a limited person and this is what you’ve got. Continuing to hope for different from him is what hurts you.
As for the first guy - he’s a Love Avoidant, no need to expect anything more from him, so I’m glad you have a new date coming up. Fingers crossed.
And the poison ivy - have you started oral steroids? I wouldn’t wait given the severity last time. (((Hug)))
(PS for the men reading along - when you date that competent independent woman, remember the way to her heart is probably through giving her support. That’s actually what drew me to crazy ExBF - he had his numerous flaws, but he brought me coffee in bed, rubbed my feet at night, and when faced with serious problems involving one of my kids, he held me and reassured me that it would be okay. )
That’s actually what drew me to crazy ExBF - he had his numerous flaws, but he brought me coffee in bed, rubbed my feet at night, and when faced with serious problems involving one of my kids, he held me and reassured me that it would be okay. )
I meant to write this last week but only just got to it. It must feel very unfair that things have seemed to have worked out for XH and you have been struggling on many fronts for a long time. I can totally understand that feeling of unfairness, although 2 years doesn't quite compare to 14.
I'm not sure if I've told this story on here before, but my parents split when I was 9 months old, leaving my Mum single with 4 kids on a public school teacher's wage. My Dad never really paid enough child support (perhaps he couldn't afford it, I'm not sure) but he remarried 5 years later and life seemed pretty good for him too. How my Mum did it for all those years, I have no idea.
When I was 15 she met a great guy, who she married and is now my stepdad. They've been married since 1997 and seem completely happy and life is good for them. But what she has told me, that even if she hadn't have met him she would have been happy and at peace in her life with the knowledge that she struggled through and saw her kids be successful in life, thanks to her efforts.
I know life must seem unfair and hard but I do believe that things work out for good people such as yourself. And for these good things to happen we just need to keep believing that they will and make ourselves open to it. I always think about this Italian cartoon I once saw, then saw it adapted for American usage:
A man is at the Lincoln Memorial begging and pleading to win the lottery. Lincoln replies 'please, please, please buy a lotto ticket'.
Me: 41 W:42 T: 14 M: 11 S: 6
"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
