Well, I have been living inside of a pressure cooker lately. Work has been awful. Luckily today is my last day before I have 5 off. I need it before I lose my cool at work, lol. Everyone knows I rarely ever lose my cool . But im getting there , so this is coming at a good time.
I don’t know who remembers the poison Ivy debacle of 2020, but basically I have a very odd reaction to poison Ivy. And quite the awful reaction. I will get some on my arm, obvious poison Ivy. A week after that, my body starts breaking out into a rash which is bumpy blisters. It slowly keep popping up on various body parts. The last time it was in my groin and I wanted to die. Guess what. It happened again. Luckily it has not entered my nether regions. It’s on my right forearm, right thigh and right trunk. And a little on my left thigh. I’m freaking out and I am really trying to stop it from spreading more. It’s just the strangest reaction. And it’s ugly and miserably itchy. So that isn’t helping right now.
Then I completed the 28 day intro package at my gym. When I signed up, I said to the owner, I need to know there are reasonable prices after I finish because I don’t want to start something , love it and not financially be able to continue. Well, the trainer I usually work with went over the packages with me ( my into is over) last class and I almost died. I looked him dead inside the eye and said “ these are the affordable packages he said there were ? Affordable to to whose who make 200k a year maybe!” I said I would have to think about . I’m am so sad, because this is the ONE THING that is staving off a full on nervous breakdown. The one thing I enjoy so much. The one thing that I look forward too. I am probably going to take the minimal package ( which is still an arm and a leg and only offers my favorite class once a week)
I was offered a position at my second job every 4 th Sunday. It’s a 10 hour position as ED car manager. I didn’t really want it. But I figure I can take it and it will more than pay for the gym membership. It’s only once a month.
My dad and I got in a tiff yesterday. And it upset my daughter. She knows I’ve been tense lately and I think she is finally seeing all I keep together and do to make this life a good one. I was looking forward to go to my dads Sunday to Monday to bike and beach . He has a problem with his car trunk so he cancelled on me. I said “I’m coming to you, why dows it matter if they trunk is getting fixed?” He gets mad at me, he says he has too much to do and it’s not always about me and I he does everything for me and just keeps going on. I got mad and hung up the phone. Honestly, o can’t remember the last time something was about ME. And when he says he does everything for me, I almost died. I do everything for me ! Nobody else does for me! He paid for somethings to get done in my house. Because he wanted to. Not because I asked. Whenever I spend time with them they are always complaining about their family and friends and judging the crap out of them. They are 2 single retired people ( both who retired in their 50’s) and have money and live quite the dreamy life. Which is fine. But they pass a lot of judgement on those who don’t make the decisions they do. They are the only ones who ever do anything right . Anyways, D was upset I was upset and texted him “I hate when my mom cries) well, my dad hates my daughter being upset with him. He texts me “ so now my granddaughter is mad at me ?” I texted back no. He texts to me and my daighter “ I’m sorry, please come Sunday” I did t response for a bit and he says “pleeeeeeaze” I know he only apologized because he doesn’t want my daughter to be mad at him.
It’s so obvious the reason why I depend on no one and I am overly independent . I don’t trust anyone to “take care of me “ or do anything from the goodness of their heart. My dad has been telling me I can come anytime k was, especially during the week . One time and he cancels and then tells me I only think of myself . Why would I ever trust anyone ? This man is convinced he does everything for me. I ask for absolutely nothing at all. Ever. Just to come by on my few days off. He has no clue what I’ve been going through. And I never share with him because he automatically invalidates my feelings. So when he asks how I am doing , I say “fine”
Thanks for listening to the ramble of yiu made it through. D is going to her dads today and leaving for her family vacation tomorrow . Family as In her dad and her stepmothers family. They are staying in a beautiful air bnb in PR she showed me. We packed together last night. She said she will text every day and call 3 times and take me on a FaceTime tour of the place. She said to me again last night “ I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am you and dad get along so well. Most divorced parents hate eachother” I did explain not many have been divorced as long as we have been and it’s still kind of raw and painful for other parents. But me and your dad have a common goal and that is to raise you happy and healthy” and she gave me a hug. She’s a solid kiddo . I did a decent job there. Im going to miss her when she goes to college . We are actually like buddies . This is the age they drift, but likes to spend time with me and talk with me and I’m so grateful for that. .
Oh, In the dating front. I have a date tomorrow . I signed back onto bumble ( I didn’t say I quit it, so don’t go jumping down my throat you know who). As far as the other guy goes, we had a candid convo. He doesn’t want a relationship . I can’t explain, but he is a sweetheart but says things that would sound dicky coming from anyone else. He apologized for acting more like a friend. He told me he is kn a place in his life where he doesn’t want to tell someone what they are doing on a Saturday or “check in” he says I’m great, we have a great connection and a fun time together and doesn’t want to lose that either. Basically he wants his cake and to eat it too. Well, he went on vacay with the kids and we were going to talk when he gets back. I don’t reach out to him and they guy who doesn’t want to check in is sending me pics from his vacation. Predictable sometimes Way too long. But a healthy journal for me. Off to get this Friday over with
