I think after lots of reflection, and IC, I probably came to the conclusion I don't want to save the R. I just never admitted it to myself out of fear. The biggest issue I see is that all her behaviors add up to something along the lines of Narcissism or Borderline. And because her changes over the years have been superficial at best, I can't see any way for her to change to what I need. Now, of course, in a good relationship, her behaviors are not as bad as now. But they are still toxic, and it was right from the start. Post separation has only amplified those core behaviors. My personal work is why I valued myself so little to think this was acceptable.
I know this board is about saving the marriage, and I think there was a bit of a debate about that. But I see this board as saving yourself, with an strong focus on saving the marriage. Because at the end of the day, I see a lot of LBS quite happy about D when the R didn't work out. The reason I'm happy about D is because I see no way to save it. I can only DB, nothing more. Time and time again, I feel the positive difference when I'm not around her, so it's a taste of freedom so to speak.
You are right, I'm frustrated at the process of separation, not at the separation itself. I am sad about the loss, but not that much. I recognize I already grieved and accepted the end of this well before BD. I just never realised it.
Of course I wish she could improve herself so we could have a healthy relationship. I really do. But I need to accept reality, and everything suggests she won't change.
