Since I stink at quoting, let me give this a shot.
E- you are a sweetheart, thank you! Each night I play a podcast when I go to bed. I am definitely going ot listen to that podcast. Dating has een changed in the last 13 or so years I have been doing it. It's just getting harder. The longer I have been at it, I don't get better at it, I get more confused, lol
MAch- I loved K too SHe was always so unapologetically herself. Fiesty, smart, passionate. Everything I want to be when I grow up
Mach and LH- I do believe my ex is happy. What a normal guy sees as horrible, he sees as great. He is HAPPY he only has to be a father very part time. He was 31 when he remarried and dhe remarried a woman who wanted kids. He didnt want anymore. He liked only having one part time. It was enough for him. what you might view as miserable, he views as ideal.
MLC- Oh, my ex doesn't just choose to find happiness. He seeks happiness when things aren't going as he likes and gets what he wants where he wants it, ot caring about who he might hurt. "missing excitement, attraction with current spouse? I will fix that, I'll get a side piece! I will get safety and family from my wife, and excitement elsewhere. Problem solved! I cant do that.
I'll be honest. "happiness comes from within" is kind of BS. We all seek happiness from extermal sources. Hobbies, passions, work, friendships, relationships...... something that fuels a fire within us. And I am not an unhappy person..... I am not thrilled with how things turned out or where I am right now. But I am not miserable. I can find happiness in many situations. I am happy in my job, except that i don't make enough money. I am happy with my D. SHe's awesome. I am happy with my friends. All good things.
MAch- as far as me just being a woman and not identifying myself in a role. I am always in a role. You nailed it. Mom, nurse, friend. Who am I? Well, there are a few times I reconect with myself and I am not in a role. It's in my one hour 3-4 times per week I am in the gym. It's me time. I work hard in my classes. I pay attention to what my body is capable of and I just feel good about myself. I feel alive. Same when I go for a hike and ike riding. It is the only time I am not inside my head and i am just me. I also am not a fashionista and I am creature of comfort. My wardrobe comes form amazon and costco. But I put together outfits for cheap I get alot of compliments on. ANd i enjoy looking good n a budget. I own pretty much NOTHING designer. In my neck of the woods, everyone has something, but not me.
SAdly, the things tht do make me feel like me, sometimes come with guilt . Guilt that my kid is home alone longer on my gym days. Guilt that alot of my responsibilities have to get pushed aside. That my house isnt in tip top shape. Because something has to give when I do things for myself. I like to think I have endless energy, but I do not.
Which brings me to an embarrasing confession. I want someone to take care of me. Yup. Not because I can't do it myself. But because it would feel amazing. I have never had it. Barely in my child hood. For sure not in my adulthood. I am the caregiver. Work and home. I want someone to care enough to make sure I am safe, well, fed, relaxed and not overwhelemd majority of the time. SOmethng I have never experiened.
Last, but not least, LH. yes, I women can have a sexual attraction withot emotional connection. ANd with me and this guy, its an emotional friendly connection. We can connect, but not on a deep level. ANd it isn't date 2. it's rounds 2. we went on 6-7 dates prior. ANd again, its going the same way it did the first ime. days without communicatuon. ANd if I were to text him right now, he would answer right away. But I have to do all the work, and quite frankly I don't want to. I remember it's why I ended it the first time. I just dont care much this time around. Last time I had anxiety over it, this time I just dont't give a F
I will leave you all with an intersting tid bit. I asked D if she heard from her dad and she said only when he landed and she isn't going to text him. SHe said she thinks OW is texting him like 10 times a day and is so incredibly lonely. OW has been sending D texts asking how she is and how she can't wait to see her wed night and she it;s "weird" D decieded to go there with her grandma even though dad isnt home because she feels bad for her stepmother. Apprebtly this woman can't survive without him. I have a big work event tomorrow so it works out well for me. One of the nicest catering halls in the area (and NJ has alot of them) free drinks and food and netowrking. It'll be fun.
