Do focus, and believe, in and on your life. How well it is going. How well you are doing and becoming. Everything flows from those deep convictions. As OwnIt has attested, thought work, or cognitive behavioural therapy, is a helpful tool. One of many tools in the personal development toolbox. One which I do find to be my default, it just happens for me. Some advice regarding the thoughtful purposeful altering of negative thoughts; ensure they are negative and/or you truly want to alter them. Hopefully, that causes a pause within you. How do I know if they are truly negative? I’m not talking about our obvious hurt and self blaming and such from the events that have befallen us. I’m talking about beliefs and convictions. Discussions of MLC being real or not being a recent example. My path, and thoughtful approach, is not to discount “the other side”. I find there is already far too much of that in the world which programs society to such one sided thoughts - just look at the polarizing views and bloodlust fights that politics, or Covid, or any number of other hot button topics brings forth. My approach, each side is right and more importantly wrong (although I do admit the embracing one’s wrongness of things takes some getting used to). So let’s stick with both sides are right. One would fight tooth and nail that it is a 6. And the other would equally fight it is a 9. Both are right. And if neither will humble themselves to look from the other side, the battle will rage external. Both being fully self justified and right. One can be right and end up incorrect. Utilize thought work to elevate above whatever it is you are working on. See it from a completely different plane. Do not choose one side or the other. Do not limit yourself. You are so much worthy to see the full picture. And in that larger picture, choosing sides becomes irrelevant. Life it turns out is far from black and white, it has many colours and shades.
The reason why I want to follow cognitive behavioural therapy is not to change my way of thinking, but to check if I can work on certain things, I will not go into detail here because it is too personal, and has little to nothing to do with EXH but things which I want to see for myself in a different way in the future. Matters with which I myself have struggled for a long time, which have clearly come to the surface because of what I have experienced now (call it an awakening for myself) and which I wish to approach in a different way in relationships with the people in my life . (this on relational, family and friendship level) The intention is to become an even better version of myself, although I am, if I do say so myself, already very satisfied with who I am.
As indicated last time, EXH had invited me for a dinner to “round things off” nicely. I doubted for a while but decided to go for the well-known reasons I told last time.
All I can say is that I'm glad I went.
The meeting took place on neutral ground. First in a bar, then together to the restaurant. I thought it was going to be a little awkward, especially after the long time we hadn't seen each other, but luckily everything felt very natural. I wasn't nervous at all, which was a sign to me that I'm much further along than I thought I was.
It however didn't surprise me that I didn't see much of MLC H, but that G was present for almost the entire evening. (I know this sounds weird to non-MLC believers, but those who do will understand what I'm talking about)
The conversation was positive and constructive. In the beginning we talked a lot about the children, of course he was also quite curious about my life, but I only shared information in broad terms.
I especially noticed that he really wants to do his very best to restore the relationship with his children. He knows this will be a process that will take a long time, and even used the following sentence: I know all too well that it is much harder to glue a vase back together than to break it. I will continue to message them on a regular basis, and will be patient until they are willing to let me back into their lives.
He says he realizes very well what he has done to all of us, that this has been strongly present in the last 5 weeks. Since then, he has tried to be consistent in his behaviour. (he used those words) He's tired of constantly having those highs and lows and having that destructive behaviour. (turns out that this has certainly not improved in recent months, so also not after his departure in February to OW2).
He also said that at the end of May, after reading S17's religion task, he completely freaked out. Apparently he was abroad with a friend but spent 3 days in his bed because of this. Could drink hardly anything (you know G has developed a serious alcohol problem) because after 2 drinks completely drunk, extremely ill, hallucinations, etc.
He has also been to the doctor several times to have blood tests because he thinks he has a serious illness. (blood results are always OK though)
So it seems that his rock bottom has been reached this time, although one never knows for sure.
Ultimately, time will tell if this means he'll come out for the better.
Last week, for the first time in more than 3 years, he has spent a full day with his father. He said he had very good conversations with his Dad and that he missed this som much the past years. His father recommended him a good psychiatrist. He says he will make an appointment but we all know that they will say whatever we want to hear so I’m very cautious about that.
Said he will do everything he can to get back to being the happy old person and father he was. My FIL told me afterwards that his words seemed sincere, that he would do everything he could to restore the relationship with his children and with me.
However, there were also short moments when MLC H came up, and then I have to say that I am really glad that I no longer have to be confronted with that on a regular basis and happy that I simply can go back to my own life, that this is not my burden to carry anymore.
He didn't say a word about OW2. Although she doesn't currently live with him (anymore), that much is clear. Which I find quite good since OW2 is a no go for the children at the moment so her not being in his life on a constant basis will perhaps help them to find a way to their father again.
We left on time, he hadn't had much to drink for the first time in 3 years! so no drunken talk at all.
He walked with me to my bike because he thought it was dangerous that I went home alone and asked if I could certainly send a message when I was home because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to sleep. (remember that 7 weeks ago S17 cycled home alone after they met whereby he was completely drunk…small note… I did say to him that this is no longer possible next time)
When I left he gave me big hug and asked me to please keep in touch with him. I replied that this was certainly possible in function of the children, as long as this was in a positive and constructive way (same as the evening we had just now)
Most of all, I'm relieved, relieved for myself that I'm finally there. The fear, the anxiety in front of him has completely disappeared. Today I look at him as my ex-husband and I am sincerely at peace with that.
Yes, I still love him, but the feeling of love has taken another dimension. I can’t explain it differently.
