Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (2)

[PeterB]

she cheated, has revised our MR beyond recognition and mercilessly trashed me in front of the people who matter to her now.

Standard Operating Procedure around here for Wayward Spouses. Have you ever read Sandi2's thread on the Mindset of a Wayward Spouse? If not, you should... you'll likely recognize a lot of similarities and better understand their perspective.

Yes I did, more than once . All of Sandi2's material has been really helpful.

Another example I remember: That we should separate, and she will keep him 3 nights a week.

Ummm...no. She doesn't get to decide this unilaterally. You two have to come to a mutual agreement, likely 50/50, or a judge will decide. Too bad so sad for her if she thinks she can dictate the result. Stand up for your rights and preferences. You've met with an L, right?

I have talked to a lawyer already. I am not paying too much attention to this statement because it was said randomly and besides, I am quite resolute that any negotiation of separation or D terms will see me come at it with everything I got. No compromises there and I will absolutely look after myself.

She continues to ignore the time I spend on him and in spite of obvious evidence, pretty much continues to think that she does everything for him and I do not do anything (including spending 1x1 time with him).

It's certainly OK to vent here - it's a great forum for that & but try to focus on you and your child and don't give her the luxury of you caring what she thinks. Just be the best dad you can be and the rest will take a care of itself.

I am not affected much by her thoughts anymore but sometimes I tend to think what it entails in a possible piecing situation or post-reconciliation if any. I assess whether piecing is even possible under such behaviors.

Last but not the least: she is telling me that she wants to travel to her hometown and will likely do so in August. I understand that there is a good chance this bit of travel will end our M, but I am relatively calm. I have decided I will not come in the way of her travel at all. However, I feel I need to know if she PAs over there or even meets the OM (He does not live in her hometown, but they are from the same town. Obviously, if they want to fu*k they will meet there). Any comments/advice regarding this development will be really appreciated.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought a PA was already established in your sitch? Maybe there had been a break from it for a bit, but it sounded like the EA portion continued and the PA would likely reoccur when the opportunity presented itself.

Yes they were spotted together so I am assuming that they were in PA. After she came back from her hometown her behavior on the phone and at late nights were highly suspicious (high likelihood of phone sex). Behavior with me was consistent with having an extramarital affair. That I hadn't caught on to it at the time is testament to the blind trust I had in her. I pieced it together only after BD and then used some intel to be sure of certain things. PA lasted for a week. Now its about 6 months of no PA. Last 3 months I have not seen suspicious behaviors on the phone, but it could be that she got cleverer at hiding it.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Doesn't matter if you're religious or not - drop the "God" part if not - but the concept of serenity and letting go of things you can't control is the right mindset.

Focus on yourself and your son. Easier said than done, trust me I get it.

I'm not religious but this quote sounds great to me. This forum and DB principles have taught me to be mindful of what I can and cannot change. This has been a game changer. Negative thoughts around my sitch still come up all the time. Thoughts like why we landed up like this, this situation [censored], what will happen to my ASD son after we D, my wife cheated on me etc. My ability to deal with them is improving though. The fact that I have not got into depression and feel highly motivated on GAL activities makes me feel good.