6 month old baby and upcoming divorce

[BL42]

Newborn,

1) I am a physician yes. I make 3x what the ex does.

Imo, you should consult a L. Don't tell your H about it. There are a lot issues (you making 3x, you getting full custody, med school tuition, alimony...etc.). Sounds like your H is tentatively willing to waive alimony - though beware his opinion may change on that if it drags out and/or he thinks he's getting a raw deal - but it doesn't hurt to understand what you're entitled to, even to inform your own negotiations.

I almost left him before because I couldn't handle this going back and forth.

Many of the LBSs here were also frustrated or unhappy in their marriages and some even ready to leave themselves, but when the WAS / WS pulls the chord instead if causes the LBS to react out of fear and loss of control. We talk about the WAS/WS seeing everything negative about the relationships, but also the LBS having rose-colored glasses.

3) work hours: was completely not in my control for years, now I'm out of training and have much more time. I did cut down fully in moonlighting etc from before that took my time away. I do blame myself for working so many extra hours. I cut down immediately after he had asked me to though. Damage was already done.

I can see why med school and residency would be stressful on relationships, but if you have the right partner they'll deal with it.

4) arrest: stbx got too drunk and stole a sign, a cop witnessed it. I was able to get the lawyer to argue from misdemeanor to a lesser charge. Fwiw His mom is an alcoholic who was abusive to him growing up.

The former sounds immature but not necessarily a deal breaker. The latter is a red flag.

5) custody: he's fine with me having full custody. Is not trying to go for alimony. Agree I am trying to lock on divorce ASAP to protect myself and my son. Putting all emotions away for this.

Imo you're smart to take this approach. At least from what we know, it sounds like a very favorable deal for you at this point. That CAN change. You never know if he's going to stick to that, so the sooner you lock it in the less risk you have. There are plenty of examples here of dragging it out causing a more contentious / worse deal in the end. It's a business negotiation. Separate that from the relationship/reconciliation.

6) Steve you're like the voice inside my head screaming. Urrgh. I don't know why I'm still doing this sometimes. Guess I still love him? Feel like I was the one who ruined it so I can fix it? Don't want a broken family?

All of those make sense. I think all of us can certainly relate to not wanting a broken family.

I've been really sacrificing my own hopes wants and needs to appease someone who can't even figure out what he wants. I deserve more than that. My son definitely does.

Sounds like a good place for a 180. Focus on your GAL.

^Agreed!!!

Thank you BL42 for sharing your story and your input. You and the rest of the group have all have been helpful even before the thread as I saw your advice to others'.

You're most welcome. We're all paying it forward!

He babysat a few weeks ago so I could finally go out for one of the first times since having the baby (and COVID, for that matter), a gala to celebrate a close friend. I know we're divorcing but he didn't comment at all on how nice I looked or asked how the night went.

Your next goal is to completely forget what he said or didn't say, what he thought or didn't think. He doesn't factor into your fantastic life moving forward. His loss! Get dressed up and look fabulous at that gala for your own sake! Look good, feel good, socialize, turn heads, have a great time and come back smiling. If he notices and wants you back it'll be his problem to try to convince you. If he doesn't notice, who cares you're having a great life anyway.

It reminds me of one time we were going out to dinner and I told him about the plans and he said "beautiful", and I joked me or the plans? And he rolled his eyes and told me that I shouldn't fish for compliments, it is unattractive. Made me realize how long it had been since he told me I was.

Fishing for compliments can be unattractive. Learn about that, and how to attract others. But...it doesn't mean you didn't deserve one! Get in the mindset of he's a fool for not giving you one.

I think (and I know this is foolish and unhelpful thinking) that I just must seem really ugly and old compared to his young friends. Like a sad old wrinkled mom compared to all of his 20something friends trying to figure their way out in the world.

It's understandable to feel that way. But consider...there are a lot of men out there who would love to meet a 30 something female doctor. Sounds like you're more of the catch than him.

You cannot make it for him or force him to make it. He has to arrive there on his own. And the only way he will arrive there is to truly feel like he is losing you.

Very true.

I think at your age and profession you are going to attract extremely high-value future partners if that is what you want.

Ding, ding, ding! This is absolutely true. The question is, do you believe it?

And I think once he feels you really are moving forward he will start to question what he is losing.

Maybe. But if he doesn't, who cares? You'll have a great life regardless.

The fact that you have to ask him to come see your child speaks volumes to me. The saying that comes to mind is “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

Reflect on this. What kind of man wants to visit his child once every week or two? Most men here are lamenting losing half their kids lives.

I agree with others. Lock down the divorce and make sure you are protected. In a year, when you look back on this, you will be very glad you did.

Agreed. Snatch up that favorable business deal while it's still on the table.

You made it through medical school and residency…you got this!!

Absolutely. I agree 100%.