6 month old baby and upcoming divorce

[BL42]

I know feelings get in the way of clarity at times, and I am not a woman, but if a man I was married to pressured me to abort our child, personally for me that is a bridge too far.

I agree w/Steve here. To me this is an extremely important aspect to reflect on. This isn't a teenage romance or one night stand. You've been married 9 years together 14 and he asked you to terminate your pregnancy. I'm not judging or saying what you should do, but it is something you should think long and hard about before deciding how to proceed.

And I'm going to tell you something that may not make total sense - at this point, the best chance for your relationship is if you move on with your life. IF he has the capacity to recognize his failure, get the counseling he needs to not become a repeater, and beg your forgiveness - you can make a decision at that time about whether you want him back. But that is less likely to happen if you are waiting around for him as Plan B. It's actually more likely to happen if he THINKS he might lose you.

I agree w/kml here. You should focus on improving yourself and making your life great and being the best mother you can be. IF he then decides to recognize that you can choose what to do about it. But it's more likely to happen if you genuinely move on than if he thinks you're on the hook.

(Note - I'm not suggesting you actually date at this point, but letting him THINK you might be dating doesn't hurt. You can stage some things at the house for when he comes over - roses in a vase - when he asks, they're "from a friend, you don't know them". Sexy lingerie drying in the bathroom. )

kml - I was with you above, and agree this might make him jealous or cause him pause, but isn't it also a bit fake and deceptive? Isn't DB'ing more about focusing on yourself than disingenuous actions to cause a reaction?

At this point I felt like the home we shared was tainted so moved to a really cute smaller home with the baby in a fun part of town where we can go on walks. STBX comes by every 1-2 wks or so, usually when I ask him to so I can do a work/social event and have a break. He doesn't reach out much otherwise. I've filed for divorce; he's completed paperwork and he's not trying to go after me financially, we came up with a pretty fair agreement that leaves our assets intact.

Newborn I don't know the details of your custody or financials, but the way you allude to things I do wonder - if he's not engaged much with the baby and has agreed to "not go after you financially" - if it might make sense to finalize the divorce ASAP to lock in the best possible custody and financial agreement possible. My L counseled the best deals using come up front and the longer it takes the more likely it is to get contentious and worsen the deal. Not saying D is the best outcome, but if you can lock in favorable terms through the legal system, it also does not in any way prevent you two from reconciling in the future. It might be better to get primary custody and the best asset division and support obligation you can get up front before he wises up and decides to fight you on it. This isn't a forum which promotes divorce, but think of it separating out the legal agreement from the relationship status if that makes sense, because the way you talk about it makes it sound like he could potentially get a better deal for himself (and worse deal for you) than is on the table at the moment. You may find him a whole lot more difficult to negotiate with in 6 months or a year. Just a thought.