Need advice: wife of 10 years wants out (2)

[SteveLW]

Peter, I am still sensing in you a tendency to apply logic and meaning to her moods, actions, and words. You have to understand that there is no logic. And that her actions and words will thusly be illogical.

A lot of LBSs get trapped into the: "She is nice, things must be improving! Oh, now she is mean its the end of the world!" My WW was rarely disrespectful or intentionally mean. Obviously, the things she was doing were not nice, but she wasn't doing them to be mean, she was doing them to try to be happy. If she had to hurt me to be happy, well so be it. But she usually was friendly, gracious, polite, even nice. But she firmly had 1 foot out of the door and was actively looking for EAs and PAs.

I would advise you not to assign meaning to what she says or does. She is angry because you exist. You could be the perfect husband and father, and she will still be angry because she sees you and the marriage as antithetical to what she wants and what she thinks she needs to be happy. WWs would wish their husband and marriage away if they could. But they realize that it will take effort and time to actually leave and D, and then if you have kids they know that you will still be "in the picture". This frustrates them. So they lash out. They rewrite history and even current events! They make "I never" and "you never" statements often. They are trying to find a way, against logic, to make their wants and perceived needs a reality.

As far as your question. Obviously this question is rooted in over-attachment. "If she goes it will end the MR." "I need to know if she PAs there." This is a cheeseless tunnel! As BL said, focus on you and your son. Assume that her trip in August is as much about meeting with OM as it is any other reason. Here is the thing, she will never admit, even if you end up D'd, that this trip is about the A. Even if you could know or have evidence, she will deny. Liars and cheaters lie and cheat. This is why discussing the R is not a good idea, you cannot believe anything she says. You are even seeing this in your interactions with her (IE you sleep well, she does not, she does everything, you do nothing).

This trip is outside of your control. What she does on the trip is outside of your control. Knowing if she meets with OM is outside of your control. You should assume she is going to meet with him, then make your decision about how to proceed thusly.

I have a friend who discovered and had evidence that his first wife, now ex, met with her OM at a hotel. He even knew the room she was in had a single bed. His EX admitted to sleeping in the same bed with the OM but was willing to swear on a stack of Bibles that they did NOTHING further. To this day, if you were to ask her, though he is remarried and she was, if not still, she would deny. Because that is what liars and cheaters do. They will defend their lies against all evidence until the end of time.