I'm a longtime lurker, finally posting for the first time. We've been married 9 yrs, together 14. My STBXH dropped the bomb in 2019 after being increasingly cold toward me for about 6 months and was going out with people about a decade younger than him. This was preceded by years of extremely difficult schedules due to medical career (career hours that were temporary, but unfortunately a total of 6 yrs of stress and limited time outside of work).
He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married, that he was constantly disappointed with how much I was working and felt like I hadn't been emotionally available and then I found some texts from him to a woman 10 yrs younger that played sports with him. He was searching for apartments to move into by himself and seemed to be having an EA with, after I confronted him multiple times about it he finally admitted he was interested in her and he wasn't sure if she returned his feelings. Well it turned out she wasn't interested in him, but was dating his friend.
I started my DB'ing journey - I found a ton of guidance with the vets here and did my best to GAL, stop putting pressure, becoming the type of person you'd want to be with. I tried to undo the damage - feeling I hadn't respected him enough nor his career (our marriage took a hit when he almost was arrested and I had to pay for his rent, lawyer fees, etc), tried to show him how much I really cared about him, gave him all the freedom he wanted to hang out with friends and would cheer him on at his work's sports games.
He started IC, refused MC as he wanted to "work on himself", then finally agreed to do MC as well. Then pandemic happened and we spent a lot more time together, seemed like things were going better/partial R, but he never had remorse for his one sided EA. He finally invited me out with his friends, we would do trips and sports teams together.
He also struggled to fully commit, and we had talked about starting a family within the next 1-2 yrs, but he couldn't commit to a true time frame which was tough because I had a limited time to be able to have children due to a prior surgery. His reasons were he didn't feel ready, he was worried I would work too much.
Eventually despite birth control I became pregnant - he wanted me to terminate, I said I couldn't do that, and he was very resentful. He had me hide the pregnancy until he felt "ready" so I hid it for 5 months, at that time it was definitely going to impact my career, so STBXH told me he was going to leave after helping for 1-2 mos post birth.
He seemed to turn around after the baby because he really bonded with him, and stopped talking about leaving (I heard him admit to his friends that at first "he was not having it" but was so happy now, he told me that he was going to leave before "but things are different now") but at the 2 month mark he met a yoga instructor at his studio and he started leaving for 8-12 hrs at a time. He wouldn't answer when I asked what she was to him. Eventually it culminated in him coming back super late, I was upset about it, and he said he no longer wanted to do this anymore, he was leaving as he didn't want to be restricted in going hiking/climbing/to the gym and he was starting to resent the baby. He wanted a divorce.
I was cleaning the den and found a picture he put on display of him and this other woman; apparently this was the woman he was going hiking with. He admitted to having feelings for her after I confronted him again. I told him he needs to get over his MLC and he accused me of "only being capable of black and white thinking".
At this point I felt like the home we shared was tainted so moved to a really cute smaller home with the baby in a fun part of town where we can go on walks. STBX comes by every 1-2 wks or so, usually when I ask him to so I can do a work/social event and have a break. He doesn't reach out much otherwise. I've filed for divorce; he's completed paperwork and he's not trying to go after me financially, we came up with a pretty fair agreement that leaves our assets intact.
I'm struggling to move on, wondering if I should even still try (we do have fun together as a family and when I hang out with his family nearby). His sister came in town a few weeks ago and all of us hung out and it was a really nice time. His family has voiced their support, but I know at the end of the day STBX is their son/family member.
Thanks for reading. My friends/family obviously want me to move on.
Me: 36 Him: 35 T 14 M 9 S 6 mos BD #1 5/2019 EA #1 BD #2 11/2021 BD #3 3/2022 EA #2
