G’s message is intriguing. And, methinks, purposefully vague.Given he sent is on Father’s Day, I’d suspect he is stirred somewhat. The little wanted interacting from his kids, undoubtedly amplifying that stirring.
Yes, it is. As I already mentioned G is a really smart guy. Therefore his messages are worth analysing.
Originally Posted by DnJ
The “next step” is an odd statement. The whole message is a bit odd if you ask me. Next step? Your move. Maybe he’s moving? Or marrying? Or breaking up?
I asked, with the next step he indeed means the actual sale of the house. I assume he wants to meet before that. Why? My guess: 1/ Because he feels guilty of the way he treated me before he left the last time. Doesn’t mean he has genuine remorse of course, and I do not expect that. 2/ Kids (see below) 3/ Because he is very curious of how our lives are going now. (see below)
Originally Posted by DnJ
Meeting at his house to discuss sounds rather entrapping. I’d steer clear of that. Like you said, I think OW2 lives with him. So not sure why he’d invite you to his house.
Don’t understand that either but will definitely not go to his house. If I agree, it will be somewhere neutral.
Originally Posted by DnJ
My guess is to do with the kids. His message to them and then one to you are likely connected. Your move, the next step, cuts him out of your life. He had, and has, nothing to do with the house. To “end everything in a better way” for him would to be involved. Remember, his path is all about him. I suspect manipulating to get back in to the middle of things. You sense something too - as in he feels you cannot live without him. His manipulating looks, for the moment, not seriously nefarious; more of a man trying to figure out an easy way to talk his kids into seeing him. Avoiding the difficult work.
Yes D, exactly what I’m thinking. I’ve mentioned point 2/3 which is what you are saying as well. I’m pretty sure we will be spot on.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Still, I’d respond and see just what he is up to. Not an agreement to meet. Not yet. Rather a prompt for more information.
Which I did. There he mentioned the fact that it was because of the sale of the house and the way it “ended” between us.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Of course, you could just ignore the message, yet for the sake of your young children I think this opportunity is something worth exploring.
You know I’m not like that and I never will. I’ve always told him that I would be there (not as wife, but as the father of our children) if he realizes the fact that something is seriously wrong with him and that he needs help to deal with it and his past trauma’s. He knows this very well. Because he did mention this in his messages several times now towards the children I want to explore if he is telling the truth. (but I guess we all know the answer on that... )
Originally Posted by BL42
Personally I'd decline the in-person meet up and ask him to type up what he wants. That'll give you time to read it, process it, and craft a thoughtful and unemotional response. Just my $0.02.
Thank you BL for your approach. However G is not a writer, has never been. Would be strange to ask him. I also do not want to act unemotional. This is simply not me. I am a very empathetic person, and towards him I will always continue to do so as well. He will of course no longer see the heavy negative emotions, simply because they are no longer there.
Originally Posted by Elbereth
As for the letter, I agree with D and BL42. Something doesn’t seem right. What would be necessary in person at this point? I agree that getting it in writing would allow you more options in processing it. In person, there could be so much other emotional stuff that it could be really stressful. He’s not fully earned any right yet to that level of communication. Sure, he may be turning a new leaf and making some efforts, but don’t make it easy on him until you know for sure his actions are sincere.
Thank you El. And in a way I understand what you are saying. These past days, the MLC threads on DB were quite interesting to me and I assume to many people who dealt or are dealing with MLC spouses. What has been written on DnJ and Bttrfly's thread, and definitely also the explanations of Mach1 are exactly the description of how I see and look at an MLC’er. The part about forgiveness made a lot of sense and definitely also the way DnJ described his anger stage. That related so much to my own experience. Earning his rights, not making it easy for him is of no meaning when they are in deep MLC, and to me this has no meaning either. To me, when they come out of MLC, it they ever, things will automatically be very hard for them, but as they say, there is no way but going through.
If I decide to have dinner with him I will do this in the first place for myself, but even more for my children. Where can I benefit if I were to agree to meet him? I have broken all contact months ago, we did have some smart contact the past month, now he reaches out to meet. I won’t lie, I’m quite curious if maybe he is putting baby steps towards the end of the tunnel.
And, last but not least, I want to test myself as well.
These past weeks I’m even doubting if I ever would want him back. My life is going really well, I’m seeing a future for myself again, one where he does not fit in at the moment. I’m curious if this will be the case as well when I’m an evening in his presence. I haven’t mentioned a lot about this but these past few months I have been actively working on myself. Together with my therapist we did a deep dive into my past, to find my specific difficulties. This to learn and to become the person I really want to be for the next part of my life. I will shortly start with CBT as well to guide me further in that. (thank you OwnIt)
Originally Posted by DnJ
What kind of nice new things have you picked out for the house? Got a theatre room, or office, or playroom figured out? I suspect the house has a pretty sweet kitchen. How many bathrooms? I hope there is at least two; you got a big family with your three kids.
DnJ, I even took an interior architect to make it exactly as I want it. LOL Next week I have a meeting to go over the plans he has created. I’m really looking forward to that. The house I bought is based in one of the most beautiful city centres you have ever seen (it’s a very famous medieval city in Europe). The house has 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and last but not least, a great garden court of which I will create the most cosy place you’ve ever seen!
I'm off now, beautiful weather here and I don't have to work today, can't be better.
)
