BL and Traveler thank you for your thoughts. When I said she needs to work on communication I am too.
What are you doing to actively improve your communication--physical books, podcasts, therapy, life coach, YouTube videos, etc? You could always post here daily and take on-board advice.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She said, I wanted to work that week and now I can't. I said why not? She said you have your son. I said I know, what does that have to do with you working. Her reply.. how are you going to be able to take care of both? I said thats a little hurtful that you think I can't take care of both of our kids. She replied, i didn't say that and that is your own insecurities. Gaslighting. I said its not my insecurities, you said I can't take care of both.
I agree she implied you couldn't take care of both kids, then tried to backpedal by saying she didn't and blamed it on your insecurities. Icky! Frustrating. I found an article in a Psychology Today, "When It Might Not Be Gaslighting" They say the term doesn't apply to a guilty defendant lying to avoid punishment, but rather requires a motive to undermine a victim's sense of reality. Wherever her intent, she certainly seems to get defensive and have trouble communicating.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
She said I am making her upset and she doesnt want to talk about his anymore. I said if this conversation is upsetting you we can end this conversation. And we ended the conversation.
Subtle, but note her statements control her ("I don't want to talk about this anymore"), but your statements control her, ("We can end this conversation.") Does she need your permission to end the conversation? Consider more "I" statements and fewer "We" statements.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
I told her it was just too expensive and i would look at other weeks for us to go away. Evidently I didn't realize she was still trying to figure something out for that week.
Why? If she were your child, telling her it was too expensive would be the end of it, but she's your equal partner so that's just your feeling. Look for affirmative consent. If it's not there, you are just stating your feelings and preferences, and there's been no agreement.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Oh I forgot to mention, I actually booked another vacation at the end of the summer and wanted to surprise her but had to tell her I have one for us. I told her because how upset she was getting and yet still seemed ungrateful because its not when SHE WANTED TO GO. Yet its just me who works and is paying for it.
When there are control and communication issues in a relationship, I'd cut down on surprises. "Surprises" often means the person doing the surprising chooses everything. As much as you think she sounds entitled because you're offering her a vacation and she's ungrateful, you sound entitled because your expect her to go and expect her to express gratitude.
Originally Posted by Wolfman
Then she had the nerve to say, I didn't speak to her about which weeks. I said I asked you and you said you didn't care. Her reply was, you should have told me which weeks you were thinking of and ran it by me. I said but you told me you didn't care. She said you still should have told me. i said you are right I should have told you the dates right away.
I have a hard time resolving these two statements--first, you seem upset she has the "nerve" to raise this point, then you agreed she was right. Which do you believe?
Originally Posted by Wolfman
So lets take a look at this.
You two are struggling. You vent about it here about it every couple of weeks. You are both "trying"--but what will you do to up your communication game? If she were here I'd be asking her that! Options--physical books, podcasts, therapy, life coach, YouTube videos, etc. Posting here more regularly and taking on-board feedback such as my affirmative consent or BL42's shared calendar and giving her lots of positive feedback about attending your son's game may help. We'd love to help more.
