Almost 5 weeks after D-Day

[BL42]

About XW & OM, well those two crazy kids are going to be tying the knot later on today up in New Hampshire. I'd be lying if I told you it's not on my mind but it's not bothering me as much as it would have say a year or two back. I'm ok and I have plans for later in the day which I intend to enjoy come hell or high water.

Wow. Quite the day. Hope you enjoyed the hell out of your plans. GAL is always key in these sitches. I remember when my first LTR (HS/College sweethearts, 8-9yrs) was set to get married in town to the guy she met towards the end of our relationship I made sure to fly across the country to visit friends to avoid any possibility of accidentally crossing paths with the event.

He's 74. She's 56.

She's going to feel much differently about this guy (or at least her situation) in a few, or maybe 5-10 years.

I remember reading that only 5%, if I remember correctly, of affairs end up in marriage, and of those only 25% will continue on. Pretty bleak statistics for the unfaithful. Maybe it's because of my own experience, but I have a hard time believing those numbers. I know of other instances of marriages that were born out of extra marital affairs and they've been going strong for years and there's every indication they will continue to do so.

I agree. I know instances where the marriage with the AP has lasted quite awhile. My first LTR is an example, though maybe not technically an affair certainly a quick rebound while talking to me. Another is my ExMIl and ExSFIL who tore up my ExW's family. Also, interesting timing on your observation because I just saw this in another thread:

It’s been 4 years and eggman isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Of course I hoped and prayed my ex’s affair partner would go away. They just celebrated their 11th wedding anniversary in April.

I do have a fear my ExW and OM2 will last a long time or perhaps forever. I know we should be detached and not have a care in the world, but there is a prideful validation if they break apart ("it wasn't us after all" kind of thing. Also, I think for me it's a lot to do with two young children and the father v. potential step father contention. E.g., I don't want to walk my daughter down the aisle with another man, or have dual father /daughter dances. Also, maybe it's viewing things through our own experiences or biases, and they're never as good as they appear from our LBS vantage point.

In my own case there were some issues that weren't being addressed. That's on both of us, and in looking back, I really did need to be more aware of the direction we were heading rather than simply assuming it was just another bad patch we'd get by as we had before. We were both avoidant and always tried to maintain harmony within our confines but man, that volcanic pressure does build up and when the volcano erupts it gets pretty ugly. Unexpectedly so if you're like I was. My bad. We live and learn, my friend. It's important I own my own $&@% in this.

This is insightful and shows a mature self-reflection. Good for you for being honest with yourself.

I admittedly have a hard time taking a cavalier attitude on this when we're talking about a young couple with children. I can't say I'm a big fan of cheaters when what they're doing will lead to the break up of what was otherwise a healthy functioning family supportive of the kids.

Definitely a lot harder and more complicated with young children; doesn't mean it's easy without them.

But if I were detached would I feel that way, or would I feel more indifferent? Undoubtably the latter.

You've made a lot of progress. It's a process as my IC told me.

Anger has been the toughest part of this for me. And I'm not known as someone with anger issues. But the way this happened I've felt it like I never had before.

I hear you.

I was hoping our friend Spiral would get back. We all started this thing around the first half of 2020. Hope he's doing good. That dude was born with a dominant DB gene and came across to me as a MAN firmly grounded in his own sense of masculine self-respect. I know nothing of his XW's OM but I always thought it was possible she made a life decision she could possibly regret later.

Agreed. He recently commented on some Newcomers, but it's been awhile for his own - would be nice to hear from him.

XW likes to act like the whole world is one happy family and everyone, including me, should be in constant celebration over how the universe now makes perfect sense seeing that her and OM have rightfully come together, and why not, it's only in the natural order of things.

Seems like a lot of them do, but it's pretty self-centered and oblivious to the damage they've done - maybe it's a function of how they glossed over issues in the relationship as well...until it blew.

Dating? I'm not interested in it at the moment. Really don't feel like I'm there.

Fair enough.

Take care, BL

You too, BobP. Definitely wishing you all the best.