BL42, Apologies for getting back to you a little late. So to answer your questions: About XW & OM, well those two crazy kids are going to be tying the knot later on today up in New Hampshire. He's 74. She's 56. I'd be lying if I told you it's not on my mind but it's not bothering me as much as it would have say a year or two back. I'm ok and I have plans for later in the day which I intend to enjoy come hell or high water.
You know, two years ago when I was reading all I could on the topic of affairs, the different types, brain chemicals, betrayal trauma, "limerance" lol, and all the rest of that stuff I remember reading that only 5%, if I remember correctly, of affairs end up in marriage, and of those only 25% will continue on. Pretty bleak statistics for the unfaithful. Maybe it's because of my own experience, but I have a hard time believing those numbers. I know of other instances of marriages that were born out of extra marital affairs and they've been going strong for years and there's every indication they will continue to do so. In a few of those cases the WAS wasn't even all that unhappy prior to leaving the LBS. They simply met someone else they felt was more appropriate for them, had more in common with, and could be even happier with in the long run. In my own case there were some issues that weren't being addressed. That's on both of us, and in looking back, I really did need to be more aware of the direction we were heading rather than simply assuming it was just another bad patch we'd get by as we had before. We were both avoidant and always tried to maintain harmony within our confines but man, that volcanic pressure does build up and when the volcano erupts it gets pretty ugly. Unexpectedly so if you're like I was. My bad. We live and learn, my friend. It's important I own my own $&@% in this. Her and I did not have children together. I admittedly have a hard time taking a cavalier attitude on this when we're talking about a young couple with children. I can't say I'm a big fan of cheaters when what they're doing will lead to the break up of what was otherwise a healthy functioning family supportive of the kids. I know each case is unique and maybe some marriages should end.
Detachment. Is there really anything more important than that in dealing with this kind of thing? Probably not. I know I'm closer to it. I know I don't feel in love with her. I know I'd never take her back if the opportunity was there... and believe me it won't be. I'm not even attracted to her anymore. When I look at her I feel an almost visceral feeling of disgust. But if I were detached would I feel that way, or would I feel more indifferent? Undoubtably the latter. BL, when the anger has totally dissipated I'll know I'm where I need to be. Anger has been the toughest part of this for me. And I'm not known as someone with anger issues. But the way this happened I've felt it like I never had before. And I'm angry at myself for being so oblivious to what was happening right in front of my face. Angry at myself for wussing out so badly in the initial weeks while I was in complete denial.
I was hoping our friend Spiral would get back. We all started this thing around the first half of 2020. Hope he's doing good. That dude was born with a dominant DB gene and came across to me as a MAN firmly grounded in his own sense of masculine self-respect. I know nothing of his XW's OM but I always thought it was possible she made a life decision she could possibly regret later.
The dog? She's right here by my feet waiting for her breakfast. She says Hi by the way, haha. The dog is all I really talk to XW about these days as the dog's been having some minor health issues as she gets older. XW likes to act like the whole world is one happy family and everyone, including me, should be in constant celebration over how the universe now makes perfect sense seeing that her and OM have rightfully come together, and why not, it's only in the natural order of things. She tries to talk to me about lots of things and I just steer the conversation back to the dog. But I'm pleasant. I do try to be brief. I don't know how I'll feel about her ten years from now. Maybe by then I would have been completely detached for years and would even be able to find it in my heart to forgive her. We did have some good years.
Dating? I'm not interested in it at the moment. Really don't feel like I'm there. I have a friend I've known for over thirty years who was at one time the girlfriend of a friend. We talk from time to time and go out to dinner every now and then. She likes to send me silly texts over current events that always crack me up and sometimes make my day. I always thought of her as one of my closest friends. I'd be at a loss if I lost that friendship. I'm very reluctant to do anything that might hurt the friendship which I value very much.
