Hello friends,
Figured its time for a small update.
D is pushed back to August 22. H was here this week to start getting his stuff out of the house. I looked good and was cheery. He offered to do some things aroung the house, which I let him do and thanked him. The cats were all over him, crawling up his leg begging to be picked up, H had a big smile on his face when they did that. A real smile..

I had my lawyer contact his lawyer to tell him he needed to move his stuff out, he was not very happy about that but whatever. He mentioned it, asked why I didn't talk to him about it, just cost money when you get the lawyers involved. I just said, you don't talk to me and tell me what is going on so I figured this is how you wanted me to communicate, I am not your enemy and it doesn't have to be this way.. He just said I know and I know you just like the garage cleaned and organized.
He went down in his man cave and looked around for a bit. All his prized sports collection, his bar, etc, etc...what a waste.
He hugged me before he left, a long tight hug. I just don't get it. I know he still loves me, he knows I love him and the door is open.
He was pleasant, no monster. Just wearing his, everything is fine, mask...

Two or three weeks ago he said to me, again, you will never forgive me, you ruined my reputation, you upset my mother.. total projection. I told him that I could forgive him, but healing starts with him. Almost like he is fighting with himself. Don't know why I even try.. I have been pretty good with no contact and waiting to respond or not responding to his texts.

Work is going good, GALing is ok. I do not like the bar sceen and that is all my girlfriend wants to do. She is retired and married at 66 I don't know where she gets her energy from. She wants to go out every night, I have had to tell her that is not happening. She is constantly picking out men for me, again... not happening.

I am very slowly starting to heal but have a long long long way to go. Don't see how I will ever be okay with all of this, feel like I am living in a fog of my own. I still miss my old H alot and wish I could have my life back. Who knows...right? I don't know, change my mind every day. No signs from him at all that he misses me or our life together. Everyone just says move on he is never coming back. I am still struggling with that, I know he is in crisis and not himself. Will he ever come out??? who knows.. I don't know where I will be or how I will feel then. Still hard to see my life without H. I pray to God every day to heal him.

Staying in our home is proving to be harder than I thought, whilie it gives me comfort to be here, it also keeps all of our memories and hope swirling in me. I don't know if I will stay or not yet, thats a decision for the future, not today.

Can't be all that great in la la land, OW tried hacking into our phone bill while H was out of town for work. He got a email from our phone company giving him a acess code to get into the account from a different computer. He asked if that was me,uhm.. no why would I sign in from a different computer.. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out... But I didn't say what I was thinking, I am sure he would never think she would be trying to check up on him..lol So much trust over there..
Well thats all for now.
Stella