Thanks for the reply Steve. I hope you are all doing great.
Most significant changes from my last post are that I continue to be cordial with W and I even offered we both attend the end of school party for S8 and S3 when are meant to spend that day with me just for the sake that they can have mom and dad there, for them only. I always smile, say hello and goodbye when we exchange the kids but I am developing a kind of apathy towards these interactions, as if I just wanted them to be over and zero exposition to W in my life. Maybe you can offer some help here, I know she will be there for the long run because of our children. Thank you all!
I have not heard back from W's L regarding the agreement for D after they asked to cancel the legal process and come to an agreement. I have days when I wake up thinking let's just finish this, send her whatever I am obliged to legally and be done with it. Other days I think well I never wanted D and I haven't met anyone, is not like my life is going to change tomorrow, I am as divorced as it gets in all possible senses.
I am completely focused on me and the kids. I workout daily, I am building my visibility and network as a leader in the new company, I still work on active listening and not pursuing anyone and just doing my thing. Focused on my PIES and letting days go by, enjoying S8 and S3 when they are home, going for a run, a ride, or a beer with a good friend when I am alone. I have signed up for a new track day with the car in Jerez and I am truly excited, also signed up for a half marathon in Valencia and just got some new clothes for summer (keeping up the good changes).
However, I am going through some struggles I wanted to share here. I spend many days sitting, almost paralyzed, thinking about all that has happened, if my M will come to be something I just will forget, a painful memory. I question myself and whether my changes are permanent, I go in my head through the list of changes I have implemented, my new goals and all I have learned from my books, as if I had reinforce the motivation to continue. I have always been a very driven person at work, with my goals, so these days hurt me massively because I end up thinking I am still very broken inside, it creates insecurities to present myself to other women when the opportunity comes (as I feel I still carry a lot of baggage) and it hits me hard on my high expectations for myself at work. Some days I still feel this is all I nightmare and I force myself to think, temporary Pack, this will also pass, even if it takes 10 years.
Whenever we exchange the kids W is all happy and cheerful and playful with them. I remain calm, in control of myself and focused on them but I cannot help thinking she is putting out a big scene for S8 and S3. Maybe is my hurt talking, I cannot help it, it is just the way it feels after all she has done. I remember one of the earliest posts I got from this forum was something along the lines of Pack, she has left you, not the kids. Maybe she really is happier without me in her life, I was a fool for thinking having kids makes it so much more worth fighting for it and all the times she said I was not listening and I would be left alone, she was also right. It is fun to be the man you want to be, to live life the way you want it, to feel the peace that comes from knowing yourself and your principles and working to follow them, but it is been 3 years, and I still feel stuck in my past.
Thank you all for coming and reading, I am sure you will have some good recommendations for me. ((hugs)) Pack
Hi Pack,
It sounds like you're doing all the right things.
I also spend time thinking about whether WW would come back but she seems perfectly fine with OM and her new life. She sees the kids even less than she used to since she got a job in the state she moved to.
Recently some of our mutual friends have started unfriending me on social media - I suppose it's to be expected. Those that haven't are cold and don't reach out.
I don't speak to WW at all - there is zero communication. I use an app for scheduling kid stuff. When WW picks up my kids on Friday evenings, she'll park in the driveway, but I don't go out or say anything to her. It really is out of sight out of mind. She no longer lives or works in the state she grew up in.
My youngest daughter is starting to warm up to me now and gave me a hug today and told me she appreciates all that I do, so it's the little things like this that matter.
I think time is a wonderful healer - but it can be an awfully long time and given how our WW spouses leave us and create so much damage, I doubt whether any of us can truly move on for good without being reminded of the past. We just have to make the best of a bad situation and lead our own life.
