Saving Pack through D, Pack_19 part V

[BL42]

Pack_19,

I even offered we both attend the end of school party for S8 and S3 when are meant to spend that day with me just for the sake that they can have mom and dad there, for them only.

That's good. I'm sure S3 and S8 want their parents there, like the other kids. I recently attended a school art show night during my ExW's evening for dinner, and the four of us saw my son's school and art and walked around together. It felt uncomfortable for me. And I wondered what others thought - did they know we're D'd? did they think we were a normal happy family? However, it was best for my son to have both parents be there and take pride in his efforts. So I did it for him.

I am developing a kind of apathy towards these interactions, as if I just wanted them to be over and zero exposition to W in my life.

I hear you here. It'd be much easier if we could just expel our Exs out of our lives and completely go our separate ways, but our reality is with the young children they'll be very very involved over the next decade and a half, and even after that with weddings, grandkids...etc. It's something we can't control and just have to deal with. Hopefully it'll get easier / more "normal" over time. I think it will.

I am completely focused on me and the kids.

Perfect.

Focused on my PIES

You've been crushing it with your PIES. Those goals are fantastic. Keep it up.

I spend many days sitting, almost paralyzed, thinking about all that has happened, if my M will come to be something I just will forget, a painful memory.

these days hurt me massively because I end up thinking I am still very broken inside

Are you in IC? This sounds like something a professional should help you with.

I question myself and whether my changes are permanent

It's up to you to ensure they're permanent. Make it so!

it creates insecurities to present myself to other women when the opportunity comes

Just think about your Sexual Kung Fu! That has to bring you confidence ;-)

(as I feel I still carry a lot of baggage)

It's true, you have baggage. But keep in mind most if not all people your age will as well. What's important at this point is how you've worked through your issues and are handling your baggage.

Whenever we exchange the kids W is all happy and cheerful and playful with them. I remain calm, in control of myself and focused on them

Think about how much progress you've made in this area. So much begging, pleading, pursuit in the past. Now you're calm and in control. That in itself is a major accomplishment for you.

Maybe she really is happier without me in her life

Maybe she is. Maybe she will be forever, or maybe she won't be in the future. Who knows. All you can do if focus on yourself. Which, imo, you're doing a very good job of lately.

I was a fool for thinking having kids makes it so much more worth fighting for it

You weren't a fool for wanting your marriage to work and not wanting your family to split. You were honorable in that regard. But there comes a time you have to let go, control what you can control, and move forward. You know in your heart you did everything you could for your marriage and family.

and all the times she said I was not listening and I would be left alone, she was also right.

Perhaps, but you at least you did it with the right intentions.

It is fun to be the man you want to be, to live life the way you want it, to feel the peace that comes from knowing yourself and your principles and working to follow them,

Good

but it is been 3 years, and I still feel stuck in my past.

Just keep moving forward Pack. You've made incredible progress over the last couple years. Keep up the work. You have a great future ahead.