Hey Don! Thank you. I’ll start by saying ,even if things were going wonderfully. I probably wouldn’t have posted for a while. I am in the process of learning to trust myself either way and making my own decisions that I didn’t want the noise either way so I could focus on my own thoughts and signals.
You don’t get to your 40’s and 50’s without baggage and red flags. None of us do. It’s all how you carry it and wave them . I do have more compassion for those who have had a rough life and been through trauma. I have myself. And i have my baggage . Fortunately, I have worked hard to carry it well. My trauma has affected me in the area of men, obviously and I’m still learning . Otherwise I’ve done some good work and I’m a relatively stable person l.
So I saw his red flags and baggage. I did not ignore them. I had nothing to lose to see how it played out and how it worked out. Well, he carries it horribly. And the first time it really affected me and he apologized and said he didn’t want to be that way. I asked him “what are you going to do differently so that it doesn’t happen again and you can be the person you want?” He game some weak steps and didn’t follow through. I stuck to my boundaries. Because I did say I don’t want this kind of behavior in my life. It was giving me anxiety and I don’t even have anxiety.
He had zero responsibilities a 4 hour a day job and minimal rent. No one else to take care of . No real plan for the future. He lives like a college kid. Fun all the time . Get money, go gamble or buy concert tickets. I, on the other hand have a ton of responsibilities and I am a responsible person. I think through everything . I plan. I save for the more costly fun stuff I want to do. I am also tons of fun on the flip side. I know how to let loose and have a good time. I go out with my friends get drinks, see concerts, etc. just responsibly. He talked a big game about what he wanted for his future and with us but did nothing to work towards it. He did not make me feel safe at all and I began to feel like I was parenting . An adult. And my kid is more responsible. I also want a boyfriend who I’m not worried about bringing around my friends . I was terrified that he would act the fool. Did I want too long? Probably. But I did what o had to do when I had to do it and that’s a change for me
Yes, being alone is so much better than being with a guy like this . I’m more excited to refocus on my new hobby of bike riding and my time in my gym . I’m loving the gym!!! I have some projects around the house I want to take care of. I don’t have a travel buddy or anything but I have friends to spend some time with . Do I wish I had a partner? So much. But I dream of a nice stable guy . Baggage, hit Carried well. Decent job, likes to have fun , but also takes care of business. And I really do think I’m a decent catch by the way of me being well balanced. It’s just getting much harder the older I get.
The good stuff in my life is that my kid is doing great. She’s been so into the hockey playoffs we watch games together every night. She’s doing well in school, doesn’t get in trouble, abs has solid friends and she still likes to spend time with me. She talks to me too, which is nice. Work is work. I didn’t get the promotion as we all know, but people to agree that I would have probAbly been miserable on that job downstairs in that office. Me and my partner social worker are the ones everyone else want to work with and the doctors talk about what a great team we are in their meetings and say we are their favorites as well. We are the dream team of case management and social work, lol. I wish I made more money, but it is what it is. With the gas prices. I’m happy to work 10 min from home.
I’ll surely be fine. I’m sad, but just sad I’m single yet again and daunted by more dating when I chose to do so. But I don’t miss him. I do get down on myself that I can’t find a suitable healthy partner for my adulthood and it must be me. I just have to believe in myself more I guess.
