Wel, we all know I need to come update when my relationship ship implodes, lol.
Things went “fast” with me and the Texan. Well, fast on his end, anyways. I was still skeptical, but trying to enjoy the ride. We did have fun together until the last week.
I apparently can’t attract a healthy man. He stared with jealousy and insecurity. He didn’t like that I would spend time or do activities with my friends. He didn’t understand “girls night” and why men weren’t invited. He got mad . But I told him in no uncertain circumstances will I ever give up girls night . He apologized the next day and went on to tell me about that’s how it started with him ex. A girls night. I told him I’m not her and I won’t carry her baggage. He said he understood and agreed.
Well, I also realized he has a drinking problem. Like, as you all know, I like to drink, but I am generally responsible . He was a 51 year old man who would Just get hammered. I mean completely hammered. And when he does? Obnoxious and kind of racist. And to make matters worse when he got to that point? He would run away to a casino and gamble the money away he made that day.
Well, First I began to realize on our first weekend trip to school to see a concert, he has zero money saved anywhere. And gambles like he was rich. Then. I’m the past week, something triggered him, hs would drink excessively, and run away to the casino. He lives very close to a casino. I got a call last week when he was hammered that the security wouldn’t let him drive home. I ordered him an Uber and got him home. I was PISSEd! He promised he wouldn’t do that again . also, it was my mothers birthday. My mother who was an addict and took her own life. 2 days a year I allow feelings towards my mother . Her birthday and her death day. He knew this. But he was so self absorbed
Well, twice more in the week he did it. Not to the point he couldn’t get his car. But where he drank too much and was obnoxious.
He was supposed to go out with my work friends on Friday night but he was sick. And I was kind of thankful. He felt better the next day and said he was coming to spend the weekend. We, Saturday, he got totally bombed when we were out. He was completely embarrassing and appropriate . We got in a huge fight and he left .for the casino. I was livid. He apologized profusely and I told him I won’t tolerate this anymore. Next time and we are completely done. He came over. No drinking and we went to the movies, but he slept through the whole thing. Memorial Day hit. We both had to work . He went to the bar after . He said he wouldn’t be there for long. I know he lost someone close when he was in Iraq. He was texting me and I could tell he was being obnoxious again .this time making fun of people from Nj. Whatever though . Then he calls me and I could hear the slur in his voice. I told him To run away to the casino as you usually do, because I am done. Guess what he did? Ran to the casino. I told him I am totally done as he was a liar and couldn’t keep a promise .he texted and called all night and I wouldn’t answer .
Yesterday he apologized. I told him I was done and that I hope he gets the help he needs because he has a serious problem. He went on to apologize for what he did. I told him in my life I need someone I can feel safe and cherished with, and he really just made me feel anxious and worrimost of the time .he apologized again. I simply wished him the best and that was it.
And , well, that was it. I don’t miss him and I honestly feel relived. The thought of having him around h friends this weekend gave me anxiety. It’s my birthday Friday and we were all supposed to hang out and go to a winery. I was literally afraid of what would happen if we drank too much. What am I sad for? Back to square one yet again. Sad that I cannot attract a healthy man. My past few options? An ex heroin addict, a guy with bipolar disorder. A pizza delivery guy on disability. And an alcoholic with PTSDand a gambling problem . Look, I’m not the hottest woman alive. But I’m not awful on the eyes. I am a professional with a career. A good parent. Very responsible. Good friends and people genuinely like me and trust me . But I also know how to have lots of fun. I’m not the worst catch. I would think I can find a decent human. But no such luck . It’s awfully depressing . And on Friday I turn 21 for the second time but it isn’t getting any easier .it’s looking bleak.
But truth is, instead of the casino getaway we had planned tonight, I’m happier with my daughter and my daughter fans his wife watching the hockey game .my anxiety is gone . I can spend time with friends without worrying he will be an arse. I joined this new intense gym that I love. I have been going a lot and focusing on it. Found out I have above average muscle. And a little too I hope fat. But I’m working on it. I look forward to the gym when I can go. I got a new mountain bike for my birthday and I’ve been planning local bike rides on some rail trails my life is full for the most part . It was just nice having a date. Someone to talk to at night . But the bad outweighed the good and I had to do what I had to do.
I do feel for him. Adopted. Only child. Both parents dead. 2 ex wives abs an ex GF who cheated . He’s alone in the world. Bit putting forth no effort to keep the people he cares about his life . On his drunken bender he said to me “ Why should I grow up? I’m 51 and have nothing “ I don’t need a child in my life or someone o have to worry about. Felt too much like my mom and my ex husband.
So basically, I am single again less Than a week before 21x2. I may always be single. I know this is my fault and I chose to trust too much. I was aware of the red flags, but I trusted. There is only so much you can do.
So , that it. Single again and probably forever . I tried and failed again. And I’m good. Focus is on me .
