WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - 1 Year Divorced (7)

[DnJ]

Good Morning BL

From bttrfly’s thread:

For these lost souls the seeds of their crisis were planted long ago. Well before we ever meet them. Their twisted emotional path has nothing to do with us, the LBS, or the children. We didn’t break them, so we cannot fix them.

DnJ - Well said. I read this several times and texted it to my mom.

XW’s path/journey is about her. To realize how confused and mixed up she is/was:

They would talk about how great each other was at work, how they had a spark that was perfect and no one ever loved them for who they are until now, how they would never stray again, references to hooking up in the office during work hours, planning a life where kids would be running around in the yard...etc.

XW’s referring to OM1. Yep, will never stray again. Well, until the affair with OM1 blew up. Then found OM2 in short order.

Not about you. Didn’t breaker her, cannot fix her.


It’s one year post divorce. And you are fairly (completely?) detached. I noticed how you stated and qualified your detachment - “in terms of our relationship”. An interesting and important detail which you may be underestimating in significance.

I like to separate detachment and indifference. For me it was helpful to be clear about each. Detachment is no longer being unintentionally emotionally dragged around indifference is feeling rather numb towards them.

I don't pine for her or wish to be with her in any way, and haven't for quite awhile.

I am glad you no longer pine for her. It’s the wishing that’s causing some problems. IMHO.

I understand, you do not wish to be with her in any way. However, you are with her. And in a big way. Kids.

Like it or not, you and her have to exchange kids and deal with each other for at least around two more decades. Wishing for different doesn’t serve you. Let go that wish, and embrace what you have.

I do still have anger moments related to the impact ExW's decisions has on my kids' lives, both the divorce / split households and missing mommy and daddy at times and certainly that they're living with OM2. I don't think about that a lot, especially when I'm with the kids, but then there are moments (E.g., a drop off with his truck, a comment about him from D3, or a sporting event raffle ticket with his name on it) which can rile me up.

This is understandable and perfectly normal. It takes time to find acceptance. And part of that journey is letting go. And we all require a certain amount of understanding before we can let go.

Grief is a convoluted process. It’s nonlinear and multifaceted. Various items of one’s situations are at different points and stages of their grief; from still being denied and awaiting to be realized to entering final acceptance. Anger, bargaining, and depression of course getting the lion’s share since things being denied are just that - unrealized yet, and accepted things are no longer are grieved.

Your anger towards OM2 and the situation regarding kids due to XW’s choices is within the anger stage. The OM2 emotions shows not being detached. You have a unintentional emotional response to seeing his name, or hearing a comment about him, or seeing his truck. Perfectly normal BL. It’s ok. It also shows where you need to do some detachment work. As I said, we all require understanding before we can let go. And letting go is more along and after the indifference part.

The few angry moments you experience from kids missing mommy and daddy time, and them living and being influenced by OM2, is from you. You craft these emotional responses. You are detached - as in you are not dragged around like when you see OM2, you just aren’t yet indifferent. This is good by the way, and a good thing to realize. Since if you control this, then you can control a different response. Well, influence a different emotional response (an indifferent response). We only directly control our thoughts, actions, and reactions after all. Through those three things, we influence ourselves and thus our life.

Consider that feelings are fleeting. They are born from within our subconsciousness, and without reinforcement will flit away in minutes. Feelings are triggered and reinforced by forces and events that oftentimes are we have coupled together. The uncoupling of those is detachment and finding indifference.

I question OM2's integrity sleeping and moving in with a married woman, but no doubt it's more on ExW. I don't have a lot of anger towards OM1 if I'm being honest. My issue more stems from OM2 living with my two young kids. Hate the idea of the immoral example they're being modeled, and me potentially being displaced (though realistically I don't believe that would actually happen).

Certainly lots things coupled and tangled together.

“Hate the idea”. Yep. I get it. However regarding kids and possible problems, that is a rather future yet to happen kind of a thing. No need to borrow trouble, nor carry that burden for the next decades. At 6 and 3, your kids do not understand the immoral situation that lead to their present living arrangements. And XW is well an ex, now. Sure when OM2 (and OM1) and her started up she was married, so plenty of immoral blame to both parties. Now, a year passed divorce. Carrying that around doesn’t serve you BL.

You no longer, or well not much, are angry towards OM1. Why? Time. Indifference. Letting go. You control/influence you. OM2 - you can find the same indifference.

You being displaced or even replaced. Like a lot of our journey, we need to let go a future that hasn’t happened and is likely not to. Worrying and stressing over a possible future - such is fear - causes one to live anxiously.

An anxious person lives in the future, a depressed person lives in the past. Peace comes from living within the present moment. Plan your wonderful future and accept your immutable past.

So control. Your actions. Your time with kids. You are their Dad. Their role model. Their living example. Have faith and realize, they are always watching and listening and learning.

I've felt a falling off on my full steam ahead / firing on all cylinders self and felt a bit more run down over the last few months / less focused on self improvement stuff (E.g., gym, paused grad school...etc.). There's only so much I can do, and I think I need to give self-care a bit more priority. Not that the kid focus isn't important, but I can't keep up the pace forever. I definitely have some guilt about the situation for the kids…

Yep. Something feels different, doesn’t it. Why ain’t I firing on all cylinders? You are entering the depression stage of grief. This needed step is part of the process. It is along the journey to acceptance, to emotional understanding and acceptance. You already intellectually accepted things, it’s your emotional side, your heart (hope you kept it soft and squishy) that is catching up. Perfect normal. Everyone has this lag or delay.

Control, a most intellectual ability. An ability that can, and does, influence your emotional side.

For the next while you will feel off. Know the temporary nature of this. Continue your life and pursuits. I know, it feels weird. Actually it will feel - nothing. An indifference will engulf much. Sorry BL, it’s just how this process goes. Depression of the loss of your marriage, of the guilt towards your kids, and so on; it is dark and draining. And temporary. Remember this is a journey towards emotional understanding, and as such is often below the conscious surface for us. Answers and revelations will present themselves when one is calm and at peace.

Continue being Dad. I even somewhat lost my feelings for my kids during my depression over J. Remember you know, even when you feel not. And your feelings all comes back. And so much better than before; which is really saying something.

And yes, that includes feelings towards XW. Acceptance brings peace. Have faith.

Sorry for the ramble....just jotting down thoughts & feelings from the last month and a half.

Sorry for the rambling response. Lol

Have a great day.

D