Hello everyone. Hope you guys are doing well! So I was here about 5 years or so ago and managed to half way bust my divorce. I have a short little thread that didn’t get much traction explaining my past situation. Since we didn’t do the work last time I am back in the same spot again. Only this time I don’t want to save my marriage.
What I am hoping to get is I would like to make sure my young daughter…age 11 comes out of this as whole as possible. I know that her world just got rocked and I want to try and minimize the damage. I am hoping a few vets that are down the road from where I am can give me some pointers and tips for that.
I will be ok…gotta learn how to be single and happy again but I am ok I just worry about my kiddo. Thank you
What I am hoping to get is I would like to make sure my young daughter…age 11 comes out of this as whole as possible. I know that her world just got rocked and I want to try and minimize the damage. I am hoping a few vets that are down the road from where I am can give me some pointers and tips for that.
Equal and frequent contact with both parents.
Keep interactions with spouse civil. Look into support groups at the school. IC is also recommended. Definitely helped my step daughter.
If you have specific questions, ask.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
What I am hoping to get is I would like to make sure my young daughter…age 11 comes out of this as whole as possible.
I'm sorry to see you back here. If you don't mind my asking, what's different from the time you wanted to make the difference to this time? Why the change of heart?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
I'd work on any anger you have towards her or any OM. The same listening and validation skills that work to save marriages also help with co-parenting relationships.
Sorry to see you're back and in the same spot. I just read through your previous post. It seemed like your W had a brief A, maybe even a one night stand, and then quickly regretted it and quickly wanted you to move back in together.
Would you mind sharing for everyone a summary of what happened in the last 5 years? How did that R go, what work (counseling...etc.) you did? What issues boiled up? It might give others reading some lessons learned and typing it out may even provide you some insight.
Coming up on the teenage years has to be a difficult time for a girl's parents to split. I agree with R2C on equal frequent contact, staying civil, and support groups. I'd highly recommend a good IC experienced with kids going through D.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
sls, glad to see you recognize that the lack of work is what resulted in BD#2. However, even though you want a D this time, you still need to follow the DBing principles. GAL, self-improvements, detachment. As the bald, Texan TV psychologist says: "Earn your way out of your marriage." This is an important step, because you still have to put the work in on yourself in order to be successful in a future relationship. And I'll even say in order to properly coparent with your STBX post-D.
So get into IC, work on you. Set yourself up for future success.
Also, one day your 11 year-old will probably ask "Why did you give up on the marriage?" Do you know what you are going to say? Can you look at her and honestly say that you did everything within your power to work on and save the marriage? Or will she see you as having jus tossed it aside without even considering the best interests of her or anyone else? This is a hard question that most divorced parents eventually have to face. That is why DBing is so important because those that put in the work can then tell their children completely honestly that they did all they could to work on the MR.
I agree with BL, hearing what went wrong recently would help us get a clearer picture of what is going on and what your 11 year-old may be wondering, and asking about in the future.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Okay, a couple of observations from your previous thread.
First, I found this smack in the middle of it:
Originally Posted by sls1860
I have come to the conclusion that our marriage can't be saved. There is just to much pain on both are parts. So I am going dark other than issues with kids. I'm going to join the gym again and get back out there. Once the dust has settled I will have the divorce talk with her and move it all forward
Now you come and start with, right off the bat, you don't want to save the marriage. Do you really not want to save the marriage? Or is this the same "this is going to be too hard so I am just going to give up" thing again? I will take you at your word if you say you don't want to save it, but lots of LBSs consider just pulling the plug themselves because it seems easier and quicker. The quickest way through the pain isn't always the best for you.
Secondly, you said your thread didn't get much traction. Yet I see a lot of former posters in there giving you a lot of pretty solid advice! You'd think them for the advice and then your next update would be about how you had another relationship talk. None of the advice was to "talk to her more" yet you'd read the advice and then the next update was more "her and I talked" or "I told her X". So I think your thread got the very traction that you gave it. Then you gave one final update about her wanting you to move in with her again, and then disappeared. These threads get the traction the OP gives them. The forum did its part. BL42 asked for an update on the MR, I think it would help if you responded with it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Since we didn’t do the work last time I am back in the same spot again. Only this time I don’t want to save my marriage.
We see this often around here. Usually a recon is just a stay of execution because the real issues never get addressed and the LBS is always walking on egg shells waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Originally Posted by sls1860
What I am hoping to get is I would like to make sure my young daughter…age 11 comes out of this as whole as possible.
Lot will depend on how you and your STBXW handle it.
Originally Posted by sls1860
I know that her world just got rocked and I want to try and minimize the damage.
So you told her?
Originally Posted by sls1860
I am hoping a few vets that are down the road from where I am can give me some pointers and tips for that.
How are my kids doing now? Honestly they are doing GREAT! Do they like going back and forth between houses? No. Do they like that their family traditions, like vacations together and restaurant meals as a family have been disrupted? No. But they do feel loved by both of us, they know that we are there for them, they have each other, and that is more than enough. Believe me it is.
Originally Posted by sls1860
I will be ok…gotta learn how to be single and happy again but I am ok I just worry about my kiddo.
