WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - 1 Year Divorced (7)

[BL42]

Officially Divorced 1 Year:

Late last week marked the 1 year anniversary of when the divorce officially/legally finalized with the courts signing off. I didn't really feel much or get emotional about it. It's more a marking the time to give a sense of where we stand and a measuring stick on the process.

I'm fairly (completely?) detached from ExW in terms of our relationship. I don't pine for her or wish to be with her in any way, and haven't for quite awhile. I do still have anger moments related to the impact ExW's decisions has on my kids' lives, both the divorce / split households and missing mommy and daddy at times and certainly that they're living with OM2. I don't think about that a lot, especially when I'm with the kids, but then there are moments (E.g., a drop off with his truck, a comment about him from D3, or a sporting event raffle ticket with his name on it) which can rile me up.

I'm absolutely crushing it as S7 and D3's father. We've had some many amazing experiences together and I've flexed out of work to an extreme amount to be engaged with them even several says during my "off" week, which most parents wouldn't be able to do. Also doing well at work, good feedback.

As I mentioned in the summary, and in my last thread, I've felt a falling off on my full steam ahead / firing on all cylinders self and felt a bit more run down over the last few months / less focused on self improvement stuff (E.g., gym, paused grad school...etc.). There's only so much I can do, and I think I need to give self-care a bit more priority. Not that the kid focus isn't important, but I can't keep up the pace forever. I definitely have some guilt about the situation for the kids, even though it wasn't my choice. I'd say it wasn't my fault either. Granted, I wasn't perfect, but ultimately was a pretty good guy and willing to work, whereas ExW was not. But regardless, I've overcompensated with them because of that guilt, and need to schedule in some of my own priorities. Like ScottB over in Newcomers, maybe need to schedule a vacation for myself. That sounded refreshing, invigorating, and just a lot of fun. To date I've used all of my PTO to spend more time with the kids, and nothing for myself. Part of it is also looking ahead a few months and planning it out vs. head down getting through the weeks.

Fantastic Spring Break / Easter, taking the kids on overnights and day trips (theme park, nature hikes, rainy day indoor activities...etc.). Plus Easter egg hunt/basket fun in the morning. Also had a fantastic Memorial Day this past weekend three days in a row of taking them to several local parks/playgrounds, pools...etc. Such bonding moments and memories. Love them so much.

It's also busy this Spring coaching baseball and soccer which has kept me involved. It's more when I don't have the kids where I can feel down at times. For example, S7's school held Friday night Spring Fair which I couldn't take the kids (ExW's time) and one or two people said "I saw your kids at the Fair!", well intentioned, but caused me to feel down a bit I wasn't able to be there with them. Also, there was a school art show which I attended (ExW knew in advance) and we walked around like a fake family to see S7's art. Good for S7 & D3 maybe, but felt a bit weird to me...like everyone probably thinks we're a happy family, why was there a need for this whole situation? Also feel anger at times when, for example, seeing OM2 and his family's names on raffle tickets for baseball. I know, my personal issue.

Also, I'm prepping financial documents for a hearing in two weeks of child support. It's only been 12 months since our original agreement, but ExW got a new job and filed for review of support. Annoying to have to go through this again, but she got a significant bump in pay with the new employer/job, should hopefully result in a reduction in my payments. So fingers crossed.

Sorry for the ramble....just jotting down thoughts & feelings from the last month and a half.