I can’t sleep. A situation came up and want to hear what I should do. A friend from my job has a side job. He asked Tuesday if I could work Friday night with him. I said let me ask my gf if that’s ok. Now 2 months ago, my gf signed up to take a GRE test tomorrow (Friday). I thought she told me it was I. The morning because she asked if I was going to be off that day, which I am. She has to take it online with someone watching her live. So I asked her Tuesday morning through text. Here is the text conversation with some minor changes just because we are on the board like names and exact job.
Me: The guy B, asked if I could work this friday? I would meet him at the ferry at 5:30 and work till 2am. $175 cash.
Gf: And you’re going to be up in time to help me with Baby? lol
Me: Might be a little tough.
Gf: You should consider that. Considering the help I get is minimal.
Me: I understand, but money is tight.
Gf: k
Then last night right before we are going to bed, she says I know you are supposed to work tomorrow night but I just remembered I have the test tomorrow. I said I know it’s in the morning. She said no it’s at 8pm. I said I could have sworn you told me it was in the morning originally. She said no I told you it was at night. And I going to need to you to keep an eye on the baby. I said but her will be sleeping. She said what happens if he wakes up? I said why did you tell me it was ok then to work? I would have just said no to him. She said see you never remember anything of mine. But if it was a game for your son or something for him you would remember. I said I only remember his games because the coach puts it on an app. She said anyway I didn’t say it was ok. I said you said k. She actually said I didn’t say ok, just k. I said what’s the difference? She said k was just acknowledging that you said we are tight on money. Ugh. So I am asking everyone here what do I do. The guy B makes the schedule early in the week. If I cancel that looks bad and he may never ask me to help again which is good money, when I am financially struggling. On the other hand I know this is important to her. Help!!
Wolf Overall - this is not how a healthy relationship communicates. It's passive and unclear. The Good News is that you have the ability to clean up your side of the street. The hard news... is that is probably not going to feel the best. She baits you and spews unnecessary venom (built up resentment). My guess is that this will increase on her side... so you will hold fast to your self respect.
I too read it as LH - however next time perhaps ask her what she would like you to do? Or you can confirm that she would prefer you not do the job so you can help with the baby? You can also ask how you can compromise in the morning. Maybe you get up with the baby at 6 and then when the baby lays down for the morning nap - you can go back to bed?
Since you already booked the work - I would suggest finding someone to watch the baby during the test. Even if she protests, or spews venom, she will have the help and it shows that you heard her and can solve the problem.
It doesn't seem you will be able to nice your way out of this one. Do not engage when she puts you down. Do not fight back. Do not make excuses. It's all bait - Ignore it.
Expect countermoves. Expect anger.. but if you can firm on a good communication style with boundaries and mutual respect - you can change the dynamic.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
